G Rated Limericks for an X-Rated COVID-19 Time.

limerick-composite

 

 

These limericks are all pure. It is the topic that is unfortunately obscene!

 

Dr. Fauci and Pritzker suggesting
That my lab should be doing some testing
But we can’t get machines
By any old means
I’m just worn out from all my requesting!

The virtual meetings are endless
While on transportation we spend less
Please use Facetime or Zoom
To dispel all your gloom
Or else you might end up as friendless.

It’s legal now to smoke chronic
The best stuff is grown hydroponic
But since COVID requires
I control my desires
I’ll stick to a cold Gin & Tonic.

Campaigning is tough for Joe Biden
But there’s something he’s got to decide in
He must choose his VP
A she, not a he
The White House someday she’ll preside in.

The downtown streets are all empty
But getting there just doesn’t tempt me
The rats are emerging
In big waves they’re converging
Don’t want them to all rub against me.

The swans on our pond are reposing
How many eggs in their nest not disclosing
They really can’t care less
About our COVID 19 mess
For them, it’s the geese they’re opposing.

We spend lots of time doing puzzles
While coffee and tea we both guzzle
The crosswords are tough
And Sudoku’s enough
To exercise every brain muscle.

If it’s in our house we have cleaned it
We have dusted and polished and sheened it
But to our great dismay
From March up till May
There is no one around who has seen it.

If you’re on the front lines we extoll you
Don’t want anything bad to control you
In your jobs please be safe
Though those face masks do chafe
You don’t need a virus to mole through.

 

Or if you prefer haiku. And as always, be safe out there!


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Swan photograph credit: Barbara Raff


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President Trump Disinfects America

Save America-Disinfect

 

Dear President Trump,

My name is Mary Louise Venter and I want to thank you for being the President of the United States in this terrible time. I have loved you ever since the first year of The Apprentice and I said to my husband Edgar then and there that you should be President. I was right,

You have made America great by telling everyone who real Americans are and doing everything you can to help them. You and your family have even solved tough world problems like Korea and Israel.  And killing Bin-Laden.

And then the China government and those damn Chinese “scientists” had to do this to us, to our beautiful country. First, they pretended all those people were getting sick in Hu-Ha and then they scared our fake-news into panicking America. Closing all the stores over something no worse than the flu. I have never gotten a flu shot and I ain’t died from the flu yet!

I watch your very important and serious news show every night. You bring me so much joy and admiration. I turn the TV off when those other folks come on. They don’t know how to talk to real people like me and Edgar. Do they think we all want to do statistics?

When a few people were getting sick you told people all about the wonderful malaria drug that could cure them. Me and the hubby tried to get some, so we wouldn’t even get sick, but the pharmacist, someone from one of the historically black universities if you get my drift, told us we needed a prescription. I tell you, it is so much easier to get Oxy for my sore back. I read in the paper that some of the sick people who did get it lived, almost as many as who died.  I knew you were right.

So I was thrilled when you told us about a new cure yesterday. We’ve got disinfectants! I went right to the cleaning closet to find them all. I checked the Purell, but that has ethyl alcohol in it. Edgar and me are tea-drinking Evangelicals, so that was no good. But then I found this bottle called Kindly that the preacher had passed out at Easter. It has a bunch of stuff I haven’t heard of but no alcohol. So Edgar just drank a bottle.

I think I’ve gotta go now. Edgar just got awful pale white. His tongue turning blue and I think a little blood is coming out from his nose. He face is red, white and blue. I think he’s dyin’ but we love you President Trump.

Sincerely,

(The Late) Mrs. Edgar Venter


 

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We Need Good COVID Tests and Testing. A Pathologist’s View.

Lucks is working on a new Covid test.
Julius Lucks of Northwestern University. Picture courtesy of Chicago Tribune.

As a long-time practicing pathologist certified by the American Board of Pathology in Clinical and Anatomic Pathology and the current Medical Director of a large physician’s office laboratory, I have been intimately involved in introducing a variety of testing to patients throughout Chicagoland for the last 40 years. Usually, it is a slow, meticulous project. Decisions need to be made on proper instrumentation and proper chemical reagents. Adequate lab space needs to be set-up with appropriate temperature and humidity control. For the newest tests we are introducing, even the air pressure needs to be monitored.  Proper training for our technicians and technologists includes verification of competency for each new test we introduce.

And tests must be validated. We must show that test results are reproducible and precise–testing a specimen multiple times must yield the same result. We need to ensure that for the population of patients that we are testing, the test is sensitive–those with the condition we are testing for should have a positive result, and specific–those without the conditions should test negative. Our lab should get the same results as other labs doing the same test on the same specimen with the same instrument. In short, we don’t just flip a switch and hope for the best. And this is all AFTER the FDA has already approved the test.

That’s is what worries me about some of the products that are on the market for COVID-19 testing. We lack a gold standard for the “best” test and we don’t really know what the best specimen type (nasal swab, sputum, saliva) will turn out to be. And because of the (necessary) rush to market, some manufacturers and the FDA are short-cutting approval processes. When there is talk of having the thousands of small commercial labs around the country getting involved in using these unregulated tests, I shudder.

For example, this week I was contacted by the owner of one of those small labs, a businessman who didn’t seem to have any knowledge of good laboratory practice. He needed a Medical Director of his lab so that the lab could run a cheap, non-FDA approved test for COVID-19 antibodies. I made my pitch for good laboratory practice, detailing lots of things he had never heard of or considered. It became clear by the end of our 15-minute conversation that I was not the pathologist for him.

But not all is dire. There are many excellent labs, large and small, around the country. And I have hope that the brilliant minds around the country will be developing the tests we need. I particularly noticed an article about Northwestern (Go Cats!) University professor Julius Lucks at the Center for Synthetic Biology who, with his colleagues and the assistance of a National Science Foundation rapid research grant, is working on a new methodology for identifying the SARS-CoV-2 virus. I wish Lucks and his team success in developing the test, and I hope that it can be properly vetted and utilized.

Our testing needs to be better than flipping a coin. I’ve made a career out of that belief.


 

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More Covid-19 Haiku For Today

haiku-2As we struggle in our second month, the syllable count is not quite as precise as in the first edition. Just as life will never again be as smooth.

 

SPRING

Though April is the cruelest month.
We mustn’t become a wasteland
Of hollow city streets.

VACCINES

Hope for tiny pinpricks
To keep the viral bits at bay
And pray that no other comes.

LEADERS 
I am not a student
Of our presidential history
But some would have done better.

STREAMING

Now the greatest challenge
For homebound’s brain to decipher
Watch Hulu, Netflix, or Prime?

MASKING

Our eyes peer out bravely
Over narrow strips of cloth and paper
Looking for friendly smiles.

DISTANCE

We walk a looping road
Measuring a mile each time we circuit
Six feet is so far apart.

ANTIBODIES

At  U of I Med we were taught
About the immunoglobulins M and G.
Now the whole world is learning.

EXPERTS

When EF Hutton talked
People listened to their good advice
But Dr. Fauci’s is better.

SANITIZERS

Hand washing can chafe
While alcoholic disinfectants
Leave an irritating tang.

FUTURE

We don’t forfeit our hope
We use it all up and then we remember
Hope is  a renewable energy


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Get Some Value From Your Coins. Here is How.*

An ancient currency, now little valued.
An ancient currency, now little valued.

See that shiny round thing at the top of the heap? That is a coin. A dime, to be precise. I accidentally came across one in my dresser drawer this morning, reaching around in the dark for my earbuds. It was the first coin I have touched since COVID-19. Heck, it is the first coin I have touched since New Years’. And maybe the New Years before that.

Once upon a time, stretching through a couple of thousand years of history, coins had a purpose. You could collect them in little blue folders. You could use them in vending machines, in arcade games, to pay your tolls. You could even use them to buy things in a store. That was all back in the day. The last time I can recall looking for a couple of quarters was to turn on the air pump at the gas station down the road, the station too low-rent to have a credit card reader installed on the air supply.

Barb still uses coins for one thing. She carries a change purse loaded with quarters for mahjong. That is, she did until we were Covid’d. Now the mahj crowd is all on-line. Paid for electronically, of course.

Stores don’t want your coins anymore. Most of them don’t even want your cash. That doesn’t bother me at all. Instead of twenty-dollar bills from an ATM, my wallet bulges with plastic. I have the credit card that gets me points for travel (ok, not a real valuable reward right now.) I have the card that gets me free checked bags on United Airlines (also a current non-starter.) There is the one that gets me a chance to buy premium concert seats a week before everyone else (tell me quick, what is a concert?) and I have the only credit card that will let you buy toilet paper at my favorite aircraft carrier-sized grocery store, as long as the card reader is at least 6 feet from the cashier. I have a PayPal account too, but never think to use it for any of my online purchases or restaurant deliveries. Venmo and Zelle are still just at the fringe of my consciousness, things to investigate on a future day when I have more time on my hands. Hah!

If you read about coins on your favorite online newspaper, you are probably browsing an article about Bitcoin. I have no understanding of how cryptocurrency operates, but despite the name, I doubt it consists of discs inscribed with “E Pluribus Unum” or “In God We Trust.” At the moment one Bitcoin is worth $7012. That would be a pretty big stack of pennies.

With the demise of the coin, I fear we will also lose some of our treasured adages. Gone will be:

  • A penny for your thoughts.
  • Not worth a plugged nickel.
  • Your dime, your dance floor. (Probably already gone. We miss you, Chet Coppock.)

*So what to do with the coins still rumbling around in my drawer, and probably in yours too? I have a suggestion. Count your coins. For each coin send a dollar to one of your favorite charities. (Today I am going to choose Northern Illinois Food Bank.) Send a little less if it is all you can afford. But send something. Make those coins make a difference.


Have you read COVID Haiku?

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Was My Last Blog Too Authentic? I Hope the FBI Doesn’t Think So!

calming-the-waters

When I was a straight-laced Board of Education President I would hear the Superintendant and Department Chairs talk at our monthly meetings about “authentic learning.” Everyone in the room seemed to get it, so I would put on a smile and nod my head and wonder what they were talking about. What makes something “authentic”? I finally figured it out with my previous blog.

That blog, if you missed it, dealt with pedophilia in music. Yuck, right? I admit that although I began with a disclaimer, the column was written in a tone that may have seemed too light-hearted for the topic, and I apologize for that. But I needed a change of venue; there are only so many times I can commiserate about COVID-19, tell my family story, or rip President Trump a new @#$%^&*. And part of the point of the posting, the most authentic part, was pulling back the curtain on how my blog ideas are born and nurtured. As I pointed out in the blog, much of it was lifted from an email thread with friends that arose from a comment about an earlier blog. I excerpted and paraphrased, added an introduction and a closing, and voilà, a 500-word posting appeared. It was as natural and authentic as I can get.

Not everyone gave plaudits to the blog. Some were displeased with the topic. Others were worried that I would either attract pedophiles (not so far) or wind up on an FBI watchlist (maybe I have) or both.

One interesting message to me was that I shouldn’t have characterized this as a phenomenon in music since movies such as Pretty Baby deal with similar situations, and often in a more lurid manner. I concede that older men chasing girls is present in all the arts–that’s why my illustration for the blog was a movie poster from Lolita, the novel and film whose title character has become synonymous with the old man/young girl scenario. But music is always first on my mind.

I did, at one Facebook page owner’s request, delete the posting from one page where my blog usually runs. No problem with that, it is their site and only by their courtesy that I am allowed to post there. And no, that isn’t censorship. I have plenty of other places to post.

I guess I wrote an authentic post and got some authentic replies. If the blog offended you, I hope you give us a few more tries. If you liked the post, rest assured that I will still sometimes push the envelope. I’m not that straight-laced anymore!


 

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photo credit: Vicki’s Nature windmill over the fishing hole via photopin (license)

A List to Make You Cringe. There are No Winners Here.

Somethings are just wrong.
Somethings are just wrong.

Pedophilia. A criminal act that I do not endorse and not a usual blog topic. But sometimes my postings are born of strange circumstances. This is one of them. And here is how it came about.

In a group email, Michael, a West Coast friend of mine whose business card reads “film critic, journalist, instructor” chided me about a recent blog. He took umbrage at my inclusion of Gilbert O’Sullivan and Alone Again (Naturally) at the #1 slot in my list of Songs to Quarantine By, obviously believing the big 1972 hit was below my standard of excellence. I replied, still in the group email, that O’Sullivan had another hit with a second, even worse 1972 release, the queasiness-inducing Clair, a ballad sung to a very young girl. My final comment to Michael was “lock him up!”

And the flood gates of pedophile rock were released. Michael countered with Cousin Kevin, a disquieting number from The Who’s rock opera Tommy, an album which also featured Uncle Ernie–and I never trusted that uncle. Our mutual friend Gary joined in with Gary Puckett’s Young Girl and then reached way back into the musical time machine to dig up Steve Lawrence’s Go Away, Little Girl, a song he recorded five years into his marriage to Eydie Gormé. I wonder how Eydie felt about lyrics like “When you are near me like this, You’re much too hard to resist, So go away little girl before I beg you to stay.” Anything for a hit song!

More cringe-worthy numbers came flying off the shelf. The Police’s Don’t Stand So Close To Me, for every male teacher being lusted after, and doing some lusting himself. Sex and Candy by Marcy Playground. And then our resident blues/R&B expert Roger rocked in with a slew of suggestions. He named lots of Sweet 16 type songs from blues stalwarts BB King, Chuck Berry, and John Lee Hooker. Roger also accused Mr. Berry of going for 3-year-old Marie in Memphis, but I assured him Marie was 6 years old, at least in the Johny Rivers cover version of the song.

None of us came up with a woman perpetrator, Mary Kay Letourneau not having a hit record that we know of. And for Barb’s sake, I am giving a pass to Girl, You’ll Be a Woman Soon, both because Neil Diamond would never have underage thoughts, and because of the dynamite version by Chicago’s own Urge Overkill in Pulp Fiction. Uma Thurman was nobody’s little girl.

So why is there so much music about those predatory urges? Maybe it is the lifestyle of musicians. Just ask Stones bassist, Bill Wyman. I am sure he could tell you all about it. I know you could come up with many more songs for this list–but don’t send ’em in.  I can get by just fine without any added ickiness.

 

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The Good or the Bad–Beatles or Broadway. A Choose Your Own Adventure. Part 2

Beatles or Broadway--you make the choice!
Beatles or Broadway–you make the choice!

Best Songs by the Solo Beatles, or Worst Theater Experiences. You Make the Choice.

I wrote about my favorite theater experiences long ago. But sometimes writing “Best Of” lists get boring. Sometimes I’ve got to let the other flag fly. Can I remember my 10 worst theater experiences? Here’s a shot at it. ((Confession: although most of these shows have played Broadway, we saw most as local productions.)

Ten Theater Take-Downs and Disappointments

10.  Spring Awakening. Marriott Lincolnshire Theatre. 2016. Based on an old German play. It should have stayed there!

9.  Big Fish. Nederlander Theatre. 2013. If I could have stayed awake it might have made more sense to me.

8.  The Merchant of Venice. Bank of America Theatre. 2011. Starring F. Murray Abraham, I was so looking forward to this. But the air-conditioning failed on an unusually hot early spring day, and we felt as if we were broiling under a Venetian sun in mid-summer.

7.  Godspell. Marriott Lincolnshire Theatre. 2014. We left at intermission. At least half the audience left before we did.

6.  The Pirate Queen. Cadillac Palace Theatre. 2006. Alain Boublil and Claude-Michel Schönberg wrote Les Misérables. We loved it. They wrote Miss Saigon. We tolerated it. They wrote The Pirate Queen. We detested it.

5. Next to Normal. Bank of America Theatre. 2011. On Broadway, Pulitzer Prizes and Tony Awards. For the Broadway in Chicago production., not even a Jeff Award.

4. Into the Woods. Marriott Lincolnshire Theatre. 2006. I know I am supposed to like Sondheim. I try. I really try.

3. In the Sick Bay of The Santa Maria. Goodman Theatre New Stages Festival. 2019. It was short, it was experimental. The tickets were free and still over-priced.

2. Chess. Marriott Lincolnshire Theatre. 1990. Evita meets ABBA in this Tim Rice-Benny Andersson-Björn Ulvaeus mish-mash. My mother was babysitting for the kids and called us during intermission to tell us our son had a fever. We were overjoyed to have such a good reason to leave the theater.

1. Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown. Belasco Theatre. 2010. Patti LuPone, Sheree Renee Scott, Laura Benanti, Brian Stokes Mitchell. Too many stars, too much of a hot-hot-mess.

Did you like some of these shows? Or maybe you have even worse theater memories. Tell me about it!


Click here for the “Bests” in today’s double feature.


 

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The Good or the Bad–Beatles or Broadway. A Choose Your Own Adventure. Part 1

Beatles or Broadway--you make the choice!
Beatles or Broadway–you make the choice!

Best Songs by the Solo Beatles, or Worst Theater Experiences. You Make the Choice.

Things come together; things come apart. The most infamous break-up in the music world was the end of the Beatles. I know that I can’t pick any one song as my favorite Beatle hit, but can I pick a bestie from each of John, Paul, George, and Ringo’s solo careers?

Let’s get the easiest one out of the way first. Mr. Starr has recorded a few numbers that have stayed with me. It Don’t Come Easy is a song that sends out a message in these trying times. Oh My My and No No Song are nice and whimsical. So is Bang on the Drum. What, you say? That isn’t Ringo, that’s Todd Rundgren? Well,  shouldn’t it be a Ringo tune?

What wins the Ringo Round-Up for me? Hands down, it’s Photograph, a warm-but-sad ode to a lost lover. George Harrison helped write and produce, but this is Ringo’s shining moment.

Speaking of George, what’s my favorite song from the guy who always seemed like the most morose Beatle? What is Life? Too questiony. Bangladesh? Too rooted in the 70s. My Sweet Lord? Bingo. Despite issues with the lyrics (too religious) and the melody (too much of a Chiffon’s rip-off,) I’ll always stop and listen when this comes up on my Pandora stream. Hallelujah, Hare Hare, Hare Krishna!

Then there is John. Yeah, most of you would vote for Imagine. Greatest song of all time and all that crap.  I’m sorry, it is just too preachy and solemn for me. Even in COVID-19 times. When I want to hear Lennon get in people’s faces, I’ll make my pick Instant Karma. It’s gonna get you! Gotta love the real John, the snarky John.

Paul. The longest solo career, the most hits. The basic question? Is the song solo if it was with Linda? Or if it was with Wings? Sure–any post-Beatle Paul is Solo Paul. So I could choose something from McCartney or from Ram but I am going to give my favorite nod to the title song from the Wings album Band on the Run. Honorable mentions go to Live and Let Die and Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey. I’ve always wanted to know what a butter pie tastes like.

I’m sure you disagree with some, or likely all, of my choices. Send me your favorites and I’ll take another listen. Now is the time to share.


For the “Worst” part of today’s double feature click here.


 

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Three Family Heirlooms. It’s The Little Things That Matter

Things we treasure from long ago.
Things we treasure from long ago.

With more time at home, there is more time to think about what makes a house a home. Yes we built this house and there are the fancy touches, the designer accents, the unique pieces that have caught Barb’s eye, and the few technical geegaws I try, often unsuccessfully, to operate (are you listening, Alexa?) But today I am thinking of a few things that precede this 3-year-old adventure. I have in mind a few pieces that have been with us for 35 years or so, things that have been in our possession since Barb’s mother Bea passed away in the early years of our marriage. Little pieces of legacy.

A Timeless Clock

I don’t know how this piece found its way into Barb’s household. It is a wall clock with a wooden frame, a mother of pearl face and a key-wound spring mechanism.  Family legend describes it as a “French Bakery Clock” and web research suggests it was made around 1900 in the Mobier area of France. The frame is badly cracked, and despite the careful ministrations of a co-worker’s father who had an interest in old clocks, the little treasure no longer keeps time. But it hangs in the loft bedroom, where someday one of our grandkids will see it and ask Nana and Baba to tell them the story of the beautiful clock.

WearEver Forever

I have one recipe in my cooking arsenal. And when I want to brown the ground turkey, onions, jalapeño peppers,  and garlic for a batch of my 4-alarm chili, I grab the WearEver frying pan, part of a set that was the go-to pots-and-pans set for Barb growing up. It is all aluminum and while the outer surface shows the residue of decades of frying, the cooking surface is bright and shiny and holds up well to an SOS pad. Some people, worried about aluminum being absorbed into their food, won’t cook with aluminum pans, but Cook’s Illustrated calls it perfectly safe and I’m going with that. Besides, I’d rather ingest a few aluminum molecules than a bunch of tiny Teflon particles. Or virus particles.

My Grandfather’s Clock Was Too Large For The Shelf

Barb’s dad Lee was a great salesman. He won lots of sales prizes. A microwave oven. The original version of the video game Pong. And a grandfather clock. I love that clock. Six feet tall, Westminster chimes, phases of the moon on the face, it has survived and thrived through numerous moves and months in storage. We modified our blueprints for this house to give the clock its own niche, right outside our bedroom door.  Every five days I pull the chains to raise the weights and carefully adjust the pendulum to ensure the clock maintains perfect time. No power failure can stop its course or dull its peal. In the middle of the night, I will sometimes lay awake waiting for it to count out the hour for me. It brings comfort on a sleepless night.  And in an odd bit of synchronicity–as I type this the clock is chiming 11, while my radio station is playing Clocks by Coldplay. The world works in mysterious ways.

Three pieces of family history. What will we pass on to our children when we no longer have a need for a house full of “things?” I know they will covet our piano, but I hope they will also find some little things that will remind them of us, and make them happy.

Have a joyous Passover or Easter.


Some recent blogs:

Haiku for our times.

Antisemitism.

Songs for Shut-ins.


 

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