The Shumer-McConnell Telephone Call I Would Like To Hear

Mitch McConnell and Chuck Shumer need to chat.

The phone call I would love to hear…

Hello Mitch, did I wake you?

Not at all Chuck. You know we are up at the crack of dawn here in Kentucky. Mountain men! How is the lad from New York doing today?

Just fine Mitch, but I have to ask you. Are you going to go through with this…this selection to the Court? Do you really think it is the best thing for the country?

Well you know Chuckie, it’s what the President wants. And I didn’t get where I am snubbing the most powerful man in the country. Besides, it’s what I always planned to do. Get the Court right…I mean tilted to the Right.

So all that talk in 2016 about the people having a choice…not having a hearing for Merrick Garland. What was that?

Politics my young man, politics. Haven’t you learned anything in all your years in the Senate? You knew I was lying, my lips were moving.

Your moving lips is not a sight I want to see at 6 a.m. But tell me, are you a betting man, Mitchie?

I’ve been known to drop a few dollars on a Derby bet or two. My Old Kentucky Home and all that. Why do you ask?

Because I think you are making a big losing bet. I think if you have this vote on Trump’s nomination, the Dems are going to roar. We’ll beat the Pumpkin Head in the popular AND the electoral vote. We’ll take the Senate back. We’ll hold the House.

And then the dominos are going to fall. Your Conservative Supreme Court? Gone when we pack the court with a few juicy liberal judges that WE name and confirm. Your competitiveness in the Electoral College? Gone when DC and Puerto Rico become states. Your dreams of everlasting white power supremacy? Gone, Gone, Gone.

Now if you have a change of heart and put off your confirmation of Judge Barrett or whoever it might be, you might have a chance in the November elections. If you win, you get Barrett. And even if you lose, maybe we won’t have to come at you so hard next year. Maybe we can work together and accomplish something.

Now I know what you’re thinking: “Did he fire six shots or only five?” Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement, I’ve kinda lost track myself. But being this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you’ve got to ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky?’ Well, do you, punk?

Oh Chuck, I love it when you do that Clint Eastwood impersonation. Can you talk to an empty chair too? C’mon and make my day.

OK Mitch, you and your Red Robbers have been warned. Confirm a Supreme Court Judge before the election–and this whole thing is going to blow. And not even Clint will save you.

C’mon Chuck. Make that call!!

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In Surprise Move, Trump Nominates Self for Supreme Court Justice

President Trump, as he would appear as a Supreme court Justice

SATIRE

Washington, DC

Acting just hours after the death of the beloved Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, President Trump indicated that he would submit his own name to Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell as her replacement.

In a rambling statement on the White House lawn, and responding to questions by reporters, Trump stated “I had the utmost respect for Granma Ginny, but I was just waiting for her to die. Cryin’ Chuck wanted her living, but she was too weak to fight cancer, something millions of good Republicans fight every day. There are no dead heroes on the Supreme Court. I will be a living hero, and I am going to live a long, very long, time.”

When asked how this impacted his role as President, Trump stated that he felt no conflicts in maintaining both positions. “My legal experts, the great minds Sean Hannity, Tucker Carlson, and Rudy Giuliani, agree with me that nowhere, nowhere in our Constitution, our wonderful, wonderful Constitution, does it say a President can’t be on the Supreme Court. And believe me, I read the whole thing every night.”

In response to questions as to which judges he would model himself after he listed several including “the guy from Night Court who also did magic tricks and the first one from The People’s Court,” but not Judge Judy, who he said, “was just a hotter version of Nervous Nancy (Pelosi).” Asked to name his favorite current Supreme Court Justice, President Trump was unable to name any, forgetting both Neil Gorsuch and Brett Kavanaugh, both nominated by him and appointed during his own term.

Responding to a question about his thoughts on legal precedents, Trump clearly stated his position that “I am the legal President, I beat Crazy Hillary by 4 million votes, at least, and probably much, much more. And when I am on the Supreme court I can make sure that I will be legally elected one or maybe two, I haven’t decided yet, times.”

Senate Majority Leader McConnell, reached by telephone at his Kentucky home, stated that the appointment process would proceed swiftly to ensure that the “American people are never without a full Supreme Court for more than a matter of weeks,” blaming President Obama for the long gap following the death of Antonin Scalia in 2016. “He was only going to be in office nine more months so he had no right to choose the next Justice. I made sure he couldn’t. This is totally different.” When asked how it was different, McConnell said his wife, Secretary of Transportation Elaine Chao, needed him in the kitchen and hung up the phone.

In related news, the family of the late Justice Ginsburg requested that no members of the Trump family attend her memorial service “in keeping with the wishes of half of America.”

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Do I Stay or Do I Go?

This indecision’s bugging me…The Clash

I am standing at the service line, watching as my partner ranges to his right to go after a passing shot that has whizzed past my feebly outstretched racket. It is the first night of my tennis league, my indoor tennis league, and Month 6 of Life During COVID. And I am wondering what the heck I am doing here.

We have been pretty careful since March. Yes, we shop in grocery stores, and not just during the hours restricted to us AARP’ers. But everyone in the stores is wearing masks and we do a lot of sanitizing.

Yes, we have had friends and family to our house, but always on the back deck, well-spaced, and again with plenty of sanitation. (One exception–when it got too dark outside and friends came into our sunroom to finish a game of Password. I still regret that–and not just because my team lost.)

Yes, we have eaten at restaurants, but 3 times in 6 months isn’t too excessive. And 2/3 of those meals were outside dining.

So no, we are not perfect, but we have been trying to stay safe and healthy.

And now my tennis league has begun. Sure, the club has regulations. Masks are required in all areas except the courts. Locker rooms are closed, water fountains turned off, after-match beers while watching the 4th quarter of Monday Night Football are a no-no. And we must follow a circuitous pathway through the lobby to keep the incoming players from the outgoing players–something about as effective as the one-way arrows in the grocery store aisles in preventing close encounters of the virus kind.

And here I am, unmasked, in a cavernous room with stagnant air, where 11 other men are running, jumping, yelling, laughing, and expelling our respiratory contents as we circle each other. tapping rackets with our partners. In my head, I see images of coronaviruses, each as big as the Wilson 4’s we are playing with, floating in space.

Yes, I know this isn’t a packed political rally. It’s not a motorcycle festival. It’s not a frat party or a drink at a crowded bar. But with my nearly Medicare status, and with my diabetes, my risk factors stand out in this group of highly athletic 30 and 40-year-olds.

So I begin to get afraid. And I ask myself, when is the fun worth the fear?

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photo credit: SR Photies Balls via photopin (license)

Monday Morning 4 a.m. The Week Begins.

The family runs for prostate cancer support, education, and advocacy.

It is early Monday morning, an hour before my alarm will erupt. Lots of streams of (semi-) consciousness running through my head.

It looks like our biennial lab accreditation inspection will be this Friday. Because of COVID the inspection is a scheduled affair this year–not the surprise drop-in it usually is. That relieves some uncertainty, but not the apprehension that inspections always bring–even though we will come through with just a few small bookkeeping type deficiencies (all inspectors find one or two) and no problems with reaccreditation. And I remember that I need to apply for a Wisconsin license, we may start getting specimens from there.

I am also thinking about our new test to detect the causes of chronic urinary tract infections. We will launch this week, and I have been writing and rewriting the announcement e-mail blast, worrying over every word and image. We first decided we were going to do this a year ago, and if not for COVID it would have been ready for primetime four months ago. But the supply chain hassles, the workarounds, the little trip-ups, have been nonstop. Cheers to the team for finally getting here.

Moving my limbs under the sheets I can feel the achiness and stiffness from running a modified 5K with the kids yesterday. It was for SeaBlue (prostate cancer support, education, advocacy) and we ran in our neighborhood as a replacement for the annual Lincoln Park race, another COVID casualty. It was a treat running with Mike and Laury, even if we weren’t wearing numbers on our chest. I have the satisfaction of knowing I ran, and also raised some dollars for the cause. If you would like to contribute, donations are still accepted at https://ustoo.rallybound.org/SEABlue2020/LesforProstate.

My arms should loosen up by tonight. My indoor tennis league begins. Lots of social distancing rules, no fist bumps, or high fives. Life, or a form of it, continues.

The fourth quarter of the Bear’s game runs through my head. Not indicative of much, except that the Lion’s are a bad team, but amazing none-the-less. Barb, who has no interest in professional sports, sums it up best. “Just like an episode of Friday Night Lights.” But without the angst of Coach Taylor.

I’ll get out of bed and turn on the television in a few minutes. These days I turn on the news with trepidation. Is the world still there? The weekend has been filled with the fallout of the Trump/Woodward tapes, all presented as if it were a dichotomy–tell the truth and panic the country, or stay mum and doom the country. The obvious choice of honesty with a plan is ignored. I am not sure which is now greater, my fury, or my fear.

And so the week begins…

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The Speech Trump Should Have Given

Trump chooses Pence to head task force-Courtesy Chicago Tribune

February 8, 2020, Washington DC.

My fellow Americans:

I come to you today with the truth. America is under attack. The attacker is not your neighbor or my political foes. It is not China or Russia, South Korea or Iran. The attacker is a virus, tiny, insidious, and very hard to stop.

But working together we can slow it down, protect our country and our freedoms. As we face the most terrible threat of this century, I make you the following promises:

Our decisions will be based on science. I am in the process of assembling a team of the best and brightest experts in this country on infectious diseases and public health. They will form a Task Force, coordinated by my very able Vice President Mike Pence, but free to make recommendations based on hard evidence and emerging trends. Vice President Pence has been instructed to listen and report to me, and I pledge to let his reports be a guidance to me.
We may need to take drastic steps, such as shutdowns or curfews, that will have a severe, negative impact on parts of our economy and those of us whose livelihood is dependant on those industries. I will work with our Congress to establish a massive financial support system. I cannot now tell you how large the fund will be, or how it will be administered, but be assured it will continue until the effects of this virus are a thing of the past.
The Federal Government will take the lead in establishing a nationwide system of support for supplies and their supply chains. We will help the governors of all our states, red and blue, to be able to provide for the residents of their states, without rebuke or retribution.
Our eventual salvation will be in the development of a vaccine. I will work with our wonderful pharmaceutical companies to put their best scientists to work to create a safe and effective vaccine as rapidly as possible. When will it be ready? I cannot tell you–but I give my word that it will not be until our scientific agencies are convinced that it will provide the protection that is necessary.

When will we know we have successfully defeated our nemesis? It won’t be Easter: it won’t be Memorial Day. With hard work and sacrifice, perhaps we can fully celebrate our success by July 4th or Labor Day. Whenever it comes, it will be because we joined hands and worked together.

There is an election in November. I had believed you would re-elect me because of our wonderful economy, our wonderful country. Now I am confident you will re-elect me because I will lead you through this unprecedented attack. There is no need to panic, there is no need to fear. Our country is strong, and over the next few months, we will prove that again and again.

God Bless America.

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Empty Chairs at Empty Tables

Empty chairs at empty tables
Where my friend will sing no more.
Les Miserables

Sometimes accidents happen. We really didn’t plan to do it, but when it hit us in the face, we just went ahead and did.

Barb and I used to be semi-foodies. We never took pictures of our restaurant meals and post them, but we did have a line-up of favorite places to go multiple times a week, as well as a line-up of special places to go on special occasions. I would scour the Tribune and Chicago Magazine for hot new places to try. It was a major part of our social life.

COVID has changed all that–though we love the alternative of having friends and family having socially distanced celebrations on our back deck. We have dined in the parking lot of Wildfire twice, but other than that, restaurant dining has been limited to carry-outs once or twice a week, including treating our granddaughters with Superdawg every now and then (Fact-check: We like Superdawg more than our granddaughters do.)

Yesterday I had the morning off and Barb suggested breakfast outside at Walker Brothers in Lincolnshire, one of our favorite haunts in the “old days.” We arrived at the nearly empty parking lot, noticing lots of tables set up on the patio and under the trees. We were cut off by the hostess who asked us if we wanted to eat inside or outside with a caveat “If you eat outside you will hate it, the bees are terrible. We have lots of room inside, you will be safe.”

Barb and I looked at each other and pondered the situation. We were craving a good WB breakfast, but why take unnecessary chances? We debated while the hostess politely turned away. Finally, we decided the food would be no more dangerous inside than out, the seating areas were pretty empty, and we would have our masks on 90% of the time. “What the hell, let’s go for it,” I finally said.

And so we did. I had my bacon waffle, Barb her Healthy Start Breakfast. Service was a bit spotty, perhaps the waitress wanting to make sure we didn’t feel crowded. The food was good and we got our caffeine kick-starts (coffee for Barb, tea for me) but surrounded by so many empty tables the feeling just wasn’t the same. Everything was still very different.

Will we do it again soon? I don’t think so. While we decided we didn’t regret our choice of entering the restaurant, the risk, however minimal, may have outweighed the reward. And like everything we do during this craziness, that’s the decision we need to make every time. Even at our favorite restaurant.

VOTE! VOTE EARLY! VOTE AS IF YOUR LIFE DEPENDED ON IT!

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photo credit: arbyreed Empty via photopin (license)