We're a divided country but can we agree?
Insurance is boring, it brings us no glee.
So all the big Corps, that offer it to us
Must think of new ways, with which they can do us.
Those insurance giants, they got so creative.
They presented to us, a Neanderthal native.
If buying insurance by cavemen is really that easy,
We all should go for it, despite a pitch that's so cheesy.
Progressive and Flo have pushed bundling for ages.
She's cheerful, a pain, and like Covid, contagious.
The shifty dude Mayhem chooses the opposite tactic,
For protection from him, buy an Allstate proph'lactic.
Who can forget, that rude duck from AF-LAC?
Twas the late Gilbert Gottfried who made that fowl quack.
While LiMu the Emu goes through all his paces,
That slimey green gecko shows up in weird places.
We watch Jake from State Farm, the two guys who portrayed him,
Wore khacki slacks with red shirts, yes that's how they played him.
And speaking of players, whom we're refusing to cheer for
Screw that Packer QB, when selling insurance he's here for.
How many of you, who are reading today,
Remember Jack Benny and his skinflinty way?
State Farm was the sponsor of his comedy show,
He pinched all his pennies and hoped they would grow.
And of course there was Alex, of the Jeopardy! game,
Who hawked life insurance, til death put out his flame.
And jolly old Ed, latenight side-kick to Johnny,
Was the barker who told you, getting coverage was bonnie.
The slogans, the symbols that they use to distract us.
While picking our pockets, those premiums impact us.
Yet I hope that these memories still brought you a smile.
Whilst John Hancock's abandoned the Magnificent Mile.
------------------------------------------
President Trump, as he would appear as a Supreme court Justice
SATIRE
Washington, DC
Acting just hours after the death of the beloved Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, President Trump indicated that he would submit his own name to Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell as her replacement.
In a rambling statement on the White House lawn, and responding to questions by reporters, Trump stated “I had the utmost respect for Granma Ginny, but I was just waiting for her to die. Cryin’ Chuck wanted her living, but she was too weak to fight cancer, something millions of good Republicans fight every day. There are no dead heroes on the Supreme Court. I will be a living hero, and I am going to live a long, very long, time.”
When asked how this impacted his role as President, Trump stated that he felt no conflicts in maintaining both positions. “My legal experts, the great minds Sean Hannity, Tucker Carlson, and Rudy Giuliani, agree with me that nowhere, nowhere in our Constitution, our wonderful, wonderful Constitution, does it say a President can’t be on the Supreme Court. And believe me, I read the whole thing every night.”
In response to questions as to which judges he would model himself after he listed several including “the guy from Night Court who also did magic tricks and the first one from The People’s Court,” but not Judge Judy, who he said, “was just a hotter version of Nervous Nancy (Pelosi).” Asked to name his favorite current Supreme Court Justice, President Trump was unable to name any, forgetting both Neil Gorsuch and Brett Kavanaugh, both nominated by him and appointed during his own term.
Responding to a question about his thoughts on legal precedents, Trump clearly stated his position that “I am the legal President, I beat Crazy Hillary by 4 million votes, at least, and probably much, much more. And when I am on the Supreme court I can make sure that I will be legally elected one or maybe two, I haven’t decided yet, times.”
Senate Majority Leader McConnell, reached by telephone at his Kentucky home, stated that the appointment process would proceed swiftly to ensure that the “American people are never without a full Supreme Court for more than a matter of weeks,” blaming President Obama for the long gap following the death of Antonin Scalia in 2016. “He was only going to be in office nine more months so he had no right to choose the next Justice. I made sure he couldn’t. This is totally different.” When asked how it was different, McConnell said his wife, Secretary of Transportation Elaine Chao, needed him in the kitchen and hung up the phone.
In related news, the family of the late Justice Ginsburg requested that no members of the Trump family attend her memorial service “in keeping with the wishes of half of America.”
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We have been inundated with the news that Donald Trump successfully remembered for a few minutes the sequence “person, woman, man, camera, TV” as part of his recent cognitive skills test. Well, I can remember five words with a similar cadence, and they are from a lot more than a few minutes ago. In fact, they are from the 1960s. I first heard the words in 1961 when I was five years old. My cognitive skills must be pretty good because I have no trouble remembering “Man, Woman, Birth, Death, Infinity.”
A memorable moment in John Fitzgerald Kennedy’s inauguration speech? No way. The recitation was the introduction to each week’s episode of Ben Casey, the TV drama about earnest young physician Dr. Casey (Vince Edwards) and his older mentor, Dr. Zorba. Each week the two docs would battle deadly diseases on ABC, while also waging a ratings battle with much more handsome, but much less broody, James Kildare (a pre-Thorn Birds Richard Chamberlain) on rival NBC’s Dr. Kildare.
Being the curious sort, I decided to see how Dr. Casey would compare with President Trump. Let’s see how they stack up!
Dr. Ben Casey Vs President Trump
For me, Dr. Ben has it nailed. And hey, I just remembered another 5 words I want you to remember: Vote for Biden in November!
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You’ve seen them on YouTube and Facebook by the hundreds. Average people, people like you and me, confined with their partners or all alone in houses and apartments across the country, diving deep into their inner souls and belting out tunes. Show tunes, pop songs, operas, inspiring gospel, and, parody songs that bring some lightness into our current grayness.
Wait–parody songs? I can write those. I’ve written lots of parody songs. Homebuilding, politics, Tony Awards…I’ve written parody songs about them and included them in my blogs since the very beginning back in 2015. That is to say, I have included my lyrics in my blogs. Never have I tried to actually perform and record one of those ditties. I wanted to spare my readers from that.
But times are different now, free time is abundant, and after watching a couple sing their homage to Simon and Garfunkle’s “Homeward Bound” I decided to cross the Rubicon, to take the plunge, to say WTF. I was going to write a parody, coerce Barb into performing it with me and post it on-line. (Those of you who witnessed our parody of “I Got You, Babe” before a live audience last year are already quivering, though I can’t tell if it is with anticipation or terror.) To my utter amazement, I was able to convince Barb to give it a try.
First to pick a song to parody. My (unintentional) target demographic is boomers, so I looked for a tune that would immediately resonate with our “2nd Greatest Generation” in our most trying time. A tune that could be performed by a couple in our earlyish AARP years, and which could call for some simple piano. It didn’t take me long to choose. Barb and I would become Archie and Edith Bunker, belting out a rousing rendition of “Those Were the Days,” Coronavirus edition.
I composed my lyrics in half-an-hour, then downloaded the sheet music and replaced the printed libretto with my own. Barb sat at our piano — a more upscale model than the Bunkers’s had in their Queen’s apartment, but that was part of the fun. She worked hard, very hard, at nailing the music. We fine-tuned the lyrics to match the melody and meter. We discussed where to get props: a frilly apron for Barb, a cigar for me. I learned how to work the remote control on my AppleWatch to turn on the iPhone video camera. We rehearsed, rehearsed, rehearsed.
After half a day of preparation, we were ready to go. I scouted out camera locations, finally deciding on fastening the phone to the strut of the piano lid. Oodles of blue tape went into holding the phone in place at just the right height and at just the right angle.
Lights, camera, action!
We tried. Oh Lord, we tried. On some takes, I hit the photo button instead of the video button. On some takes, the camera angle was wrong. On some takes, the grandfather clocked chimed. And above all, every take had one thing in common. We stunk! We were flat, we were pitchy, we blew the lyrics. I came in a beat too early, Barb a beat too late. And as for harmony — man, you have got to be kidding!
I sadly announce: we gave up. All videos were sent to the trash, not to YouTube. We will never be social media stars. But for any of you who have the itch, my lyrics to “Pre-Covid Days” follow. Feel free to upload your version. Just give us credit for the lyrics, Charles Strouse credit for the music, and send us a link!
Pre-Covid Days
Last year things were going fine
We were living on cloud nine
Eating steak and drinking wine
Pre-Covid days
**
Went to movies on date night
Great restaurants to grab a bite
Planes were packed for every flight
Pre-Covid days
**
We could walk along the shore
We could open every door
Now we’re staying home
Can’t go to Neiman-Marcus no more
**
The world is gonna whip this bug
But now’s a time to just unplug
Give your kids a virtual hug
It’s Covid days
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Europe. Early 14th Century. Bill and Ted suddenly appear in their time traveling phone booth. The village elder approaches them in wonder.
Bill:“Dudes, we gotta tell you something. There’s like this disease or something that’s coming and it is truly gnarly. They call it Black Death or the Plague or some sh*t like that, and it can kill you. No B.S. it can like wipe out half the population of Europe. Whole cities will turn purple and die.
Ted: You catch it from these teeny-tiny things called bacteria that you have never heard of and can’t even see. But we have these science bros that know all about them. And the cool thing is they have invented this thing called a vaccine that they stick into your arm. It’s nasty and might make you puke for a day or two, but if they shoot it into you, you won’t get all plaguey and die. It’s worth a try, isn’t it?”
Village Elder: “Meh.”
150 million people succumb to the Black Death.
Etaples, France. Fall of 1917. Two Dr. Whos suddenly appears in their TARDIS time machine. The mayor of the town approaches them in wonder.
Dr. Who #1: “I say, you don’t know me, but I am a time lord and like to wander around the universe helping civilizations, or ‘civilisations’ as I like to call them. I know you are in the middle of a very brutish war, lots of people and horses killed and all that. And I know you are dealing with poison gas, and rain and mud. But we are here to warn you about something completely different.”
Dr. Who #2: “It this virus, you see. It causes a dreadful flu that can spread rather quickly. It’s a tricky little bugger, it can even send a healthy ex-soldier to the nether world. People call it the Spanish Flu, but it is quite as deadly to you Frenchies, and you know the Brits and Yanks can get it too. But we have the antidote, or rather, the protection against it. It’s called a vaccine and a quick dab in the arm and people can sneeze all over you and you won’t catch the flu at all.
Village Mayor: “Meh.”
Almost 100 million people die in the Spanish Flu epidemic
America. Spring of 2019. Dedicated researchers have created vaccines that have wiped out smallpox. Other serious infectious diseases such as polio, chickenpox, mumps, measles and German measles can be nearly eliminated through worldwide vaccine programs.
Anti Vax Promoters: “Meh.”
From January 1 to May 10, 2019, 839** individual cases of measles have been confirmed in 23 states. This is an increase of 75 cases from the previous week. This is the greatest number of cases reported in the U.S. since 1994 and since measles was declared eliminated in 2000. (https://www.cdc.gov/measles/cases-outbreaks.html)
Why can’t we learn?
____
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That is about to change. The pictures are expected to show us Black Hole Sagittarius A, 26,000 light years away, virtually a next door neighbor in space-time measurement. It’s just a mere moment or two at warp speed, Mr. Sulu.
We are all tingling with anticipation. No one knows exactly what that hole in the universe will look like…or what has been sucked into Sagittarius A’s massive maw.
In an effort to solve this mystery, I emulated Professor Einstein and did my first ever thought experiment. After some deep introspection, I can predict 10 items that will be found at the bottom of the Sag A, things we thought were gone forever.
10 Things at the Bottom of Sagittarius A
The hosts of the last 10 Oscar telecasts.
The polar ice caps.
Merrick Garland’s Supreme Court Nomination.
The Chicago Cubs 2017 and 2018 baseball seasons.
The last 15 Chicago White Sox baseball seasons.
North Korea’s denuclearization plan.
Aunt Becky’s Mother of the Year Award.
Harvey Weinstein.
Fourteen recently excused Cabinet Secretaries and members of senior White House staff.
Rahm and Toni.
I am sure there will be more, but my thought experiment cap has burned out. We will just have to wait to see what all those scientists find.
____
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“Yeah, hi Adam, I’m Eve. No, I don’t know where I came from, all of a sudden I was just standing here, practically naked. All I can remember is some ephemeral force saying they were going to create me. Said there was a spare bone or something laying around and that you needed some company.
“So you been roving around here on your own for a while? That’s cool. Looks like life is pretty good, almost paradise. Oh, you say this IS paradise! I expected paradise would have a latte machine, but I guess this will do. No caffeine after 1 o’clock anyway or I can never get to sleep.
“How’s the food around here? Places to order-in from? You can build me a nice fancy fire pit, but I gotta tell you, I don’t cook.
“What about clothes? I hear fur is really in this year, though not sure why with all this never-ending sunshine. Oh, it gets cool at night? I’ll have to remember that.
“Talking about clothes, I just want to let you know, I am NOT wearing heels. Those things kill my feet and besides, how’s a girl to run from charging rhinoceroses in 6-inch stilettos? Though those new Choo’s I had a vision of would be great at stamping out snakes or serpents or whatever you call those creepy slithering things. Can you be a dear and try to find me a pair? Or two?
“So what’s this, you want me to sign a Non Disclosure Agreement? Your afraid some dude is gonna want to write a story about you someday, put millions of copies in print? And you don’t want me to tell stories about what really goes on here in the Garden? Things like the crazy ape party and the time you rode that elephant bare-assed? Or all those statues you bow down to and smoke a blunt with? Sure, I’m cool, I’ll sign. Besides, what would you do if I broke the agreement? Sue me? LOL! There are no lawyers in paradise!
“Hey, my blood sugar is getting low, I need a snack — want to split an apple?
____
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Allan Sherman’s greatest albums from 1962 and 1963.
Continuing on with my occasional list of albums that have had the most influence on me, I am heading back to the early 1960’s and the First King of Song Parodies, Allan Sherman. Before Steve Dahl rocked with “Ayatollah,” before Al Yankovic foisted his weirdness upon us, I was memorizing the lyrics to every song on Sherman’s three hit albums, My Son the Folk-Singer, My Son the Celebrity, and My Son the Nut.
A TV producer with a knack for putting funny words to well-known tunes, Sherman, a Chicago native, was a mega-star for a short period of time. He had a Top 40 hit with “Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah,” he parodied the French Revolution and Louis the 16th to the tune of “You Came a Long Way from St. Louis,” and he dipped into his own heritage with “Harvey and Sheila,” the story of a Jewish couple set to “Hava Nagila”. And yes, that is where Barb derived the name for our pond swans. More on Barb and “Hava Nagila” below.
My family had all three albums. I played them on our old mono record player incessantly, my parents allowing my 7-year-old mind to be indelibly marked. Just how permanent was the damage? Badly enough that just last month I was able to perform an acapella duet rendition of “Hungarian Goulash” while quaffing beers and eating schnitzel at a Haufbrau Haus restaurant just outside of Cincinnati.
I wasn’t the only family member with Allan Shermania. I remember my sister Linda and her friend Marilyn performing “Here’s to the Crabgrass” while rushing a high school sorority in 1965. They didn’t make it into the sorority, maybe because by then Sherman’s career was already on the wane. His health was waning as well; he died in 1973, ten days short of his 49th birthday.
Hava Nagila: Alan Sherman parodied it; Harry Belafonte loved it. And Barb couldn’t get enough of Belafonte’s version on the incomparable (more than a year on the charts) 1959 album Belafonte at Carnegie Hall. She even asked Brett Lavender, the wacky, New-Yorky, DJ to play this version at Laury’s Bat Mitzvah. If Barb had a Top Ten list this album would rank right near #1.
____
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Might be movin’ to Montana soon
Just to raise me up a crop of
Dental Floss
Frank Zappa — 1973
I can now admit it. I am a crappy dental flosser. I have carried the excuse that vigorous flossing either inflames mouth sores I already have, or aggravates my tendency towards getting them. While that is true, my bad habit was more because flossing just seemed like one more thing to add to a nighttime ritual that already was too bogged down with minutiae, when all I really want to do is read a few pages of whatever thriller is at my bedside, kiss Barb goodnight, and fall asleep. And each of the multiple dental hygienists my dentist has employed has complemented me on the appearance of my teeth since I stopped getting cola stains all over them. So why bother with flossing? But I did feel guilty.
Guilty no more! As reported in the New York Times, the Departments of Agriculture and Health and Human Services no longer recommends flossing in its dietary guidelines. It seems there aren’t any good studies demonstrating that flossing really does prevent cavities. It may help against gingivitis, but even that evidence isn’t the strongest. I can now read my latest potboiler with a lighter heart. But just so you don’t think I am becoming a total libertarian, here are some current health rules I believe we should all still follow:
Going swimming less than one hour after eating is still a bad idea, especially if you are swimming in a school of very hungry sharks.
Spraying lighter fluid onto a glowing grill fire is verboten UNLESS you want to start global warming on your face.
Texting, either while driving or while sitting in the front row of a ball game still sucks, unless you enjoy getting the imprint of your steering wheel or a Rawlings Major League Baseball on your forehead (Note–an exemption to this rule can be given when White Sox are batting at the Cell.)
Don’t crack your knuckles in the middle of an emotional love scene at the multiplex. It might not cause arthritis, but it will cause dirty looks to be aimed your way, and possibly a punch in the nose if a particularly sensitive soul is in the seat next to you.
Picking your feet in Poughkeepsie–still not recommended. At least as long as Gene Hackman is alive.
Drink lots of coffee. No wait, don’t drink coffee. Or feel free to drink all you want. Who knows? I’ll stick to tea.
Have your men get a PSA blood test. Have your kids and grandkids get immunized. No Joke.
Stay health, stay happy, and keep on the lookout for our next edition. Housing updates to come–I promise.
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I just got back from my annual baseball guys trip with the usual group of high school friends. As always, we picked a weekend series featuring one of the Chicago ball clubs at an out of town park, said goodbye to our wives and hit the road. This year we set out for Milwaukee and enjoyed two great games. Yes, we saw the Cubs and Brewers split a pair, but those aren’t the great games I am talking about. No, what we will remember long after we have forgotten the close play at the plate Friday night, or the Brewers three bombs on Saturday, are the killer, no-holds-barred, games of Password we played Saturday and Sunday.
“Password?” I can hear you say. Isn’t that the lame TV game show from back in the 60’s? Yup, that’s the one , with Allen Ludden whispering to the audience while a pair of D-list celebrities gave alternating one word clues, each trying to get their civilian partner to figure out a “password.” Everyone sat calmly behind a podium and Mr. Ludden was thoroughly avuncular. You could almost hear the paint drying, right down to Ludden’s giving the audience a closing “Password of the Day.”
But that is not the way WE play Password. For us, this is the NCAA Championship for National Honor Society Students, the Pro Bowl for Dean’s List Pupils. (Yes, a couple of the guys played varsity athletics, but not any of the real jock sports.) Lengthy, thoughtful rumination precedes giving each clue. Strategy is plotted three or four moves ahead. The inflection of your voice as you give your clue is studied and critiqued. A five minute delay between the clue and a potential answer is not unusual. Don’t have a thorough knowledge of music, movies and TV from the 60’s and 70’s? Don’t even think of playing in our game. You’ll whiff on most of the clues.
We eschew the electronic version of the game for a tacky boxed one. We have played on a jet at 35,000 feet, annoying the rest of the passengers in our row. We have played under the blazing sun while the fish were biting in the middle of a placid lake. We have played while driving a minivan at 80 mph through a fierce rain storm on the way home from an Indians-White Sox series. No way was being behind the steering wheel going to release me from my Password obligations.
Classic clues and games from year’s past are long remembered, classic grudges remembered even longer. The perfect clue for “Knicknack?” “Paddywhack” rings the bell. For “Leopard?” The winning clue has got to be “deaf.” Feel free to use “Chicago” as a clue for “blues,” but don’t be tempted to use “St. Louis.” Our judges have permanently declared that the name of the Gateway City is two words. As for body language, there is no use of hands, but gazing skyward when trying to get your partner to say “balcony” is totally legit.
We take this very seriously. There’s no crying in baseball, but lose in Password and tears may flow.
—————————-
For those of you dying to try your hands at playing a round, can you figure out the password from the one word clue “pinssa.” If you think you know, send me an email at les.raff@post.com
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Just Like Starting Over 