After Watching “Independence Day: Resurgence” I Wonder. Could Will Smith Get Me Through an Apocalypse?

Barb and I had free tickets to the local multiplex, one that features small theaters with large reclining chairs and reserved seating. Unfortunately, it is a theater that caters more to the mall type crowd than to empty-nesters, so the selection of films was less than optimal. We settled on Independence Day: Resurrection, the sequel to the 1996 Will Smith blockbuster. We kicked back into our rockers, and overcoming the urge to nap, SPOILER ALERT saw the intrepid citizens of the Planet Earth once more repel those nasty extra-terrestrials, setting the stage for Independence Day: They’re Back! in 2036.

So no actual apocalypse this time around. But we have seen plenty of “end of the world as we know it” movies and TV shows. Whether its Mad Max, The Walking Dead, The Stand, The Road, or 10 Cloverfield Lane, we are experts at what to do to prepare for, and then survive, the dark ages that flying saucers, global warming, or nasty viruses might have in store for us. Despite all this good advice I am afraid I would be a terrible flop in the new world ahead.

Some of my inadequacies:

I have never fired a crossbow. Yeah, maybe I have played around with a bow and arrow in my summer camp days, but I think even those had suction cup tips. And in the cold dark, future only a powerful crossbow is really going to cut it.
Forget it when it comes to operating a short band radio. Unless survival messages from the powers that be show up on Pandora, I am screwed.
I am totally unfamiliar with the use of firearms. Apparently this will put me at a distinct disadvantage when dealing with approximately 1/3 of my fellow Americans. So be it.
I have not stockpiled water, a first aid kit, and other life preserving provisions. This is one thing that even the State of Illinois recommends.There will be plenty of room in the basement of the new places for a few cases of Evian. Governor Rauner, can you send me some emergency supplies, please? Just put in on my tab, I’ll pay up when the state does.
I have never eaten wild game. Or roadkill for that matter. Though I suppose when everyone runs out of fuel there won’t be any roadkill anymore. Not even from a Tesla.
I can’t start a fire from two sticks, unless one of them is a match. And even then I find it tricky.
I am easily suggestible. Nasty space creatures will have no difficulty implanting dangerous ideas and visions in my brain. Who knows, maybe they are already in control of me!
In medical school they taught me how to use a scalpel, but put a machete in my hands (another weapon of choice in Scary Future World) and I am worthless.
Scruffy beards don’t look good on me.

I will never vote for Donald Trump. Ever. And isn’t he our best bet for keeping out aliens?

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A shout out to Rene Paley, the winner of a $25 Amazon Gift Card in our music trivia contest. Nice work Rene. Now don’t all the rest of you wish you had entered?

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Today on “Meet the Press”: REXIT–The Raff’s to Leave Long Grove, Local Economy Trembles.

Dramatic Theme Music ♬ ♬ ♬

Chuck Todd (CT): Good Morning, This is Chuck Todd welcoming you to our weekly edition of “Meet the Press.” Today we look at the dramatic and perhaps misunderstood decision by the Raff family to cut ties with Long Grove, ending 26 years of intertwined destinies. With me today is my distinguished panel: Bono, lead singer of the Irish rock band U2, Ken “Hawk” Harrelson, the long-time voice of the Chicago White Sox, and Daenerys “Stormborn” Targaryen, First of her Name, Queen of the Andals, the Rhyonar, and the First Men, Queen of the Seven Kingdoms, Protector of the Realm, Queen of Meereen, Khalesi, and Mother of Dragons.

CT: Bono, let’s start with you. Did you see this coming? Did you really believe that one of your biggest fans would leave the comfort and familiarity of Long Grove for the unknown, moving to the virtually identical suburb of Riverwoods?

Bono (B): It’s what I have been writing about, singing about, for years. It’s all about love. Why stop loving the people of Long Grove? They must be wearing rose colored glasses if they believe they are heading for something better. Raff’s, why not wrap your neighbors in your arms and move all of them with you? It’s all about love, and album sales and downloads. You must lead with your hearts.

Daenarys Targaryen (DT): Yes. Leadership, that’s what it takes. These Raff”s think of themselves as leaders with their Home Owners Associations and their School Boards. But where are their dragons? Where are the people being burned at the stake? How do you lead when you don’t instill fear in the hearts of your subjects? That is what I want to know.

B: And don’t forget, people anticipating a quick separation will be disappointed. Disentangling from the landscaper, the snowplower, the cleaning lady-that all may take months. And then of course there is Comcast. That may take years.

CT: Mr. Harrelson, what ramifications do YOU see from this vote.

Ken Harrelson (KH): Let me tell you Chuck, back in ’67 when I was with the Red Sox if those owners had tried to trade Yaz, I can tell you there would have been all sorts of an outcry. He was the greatest ball player I ever saw and I saw ’em all going back to the Babe.

CT: I’m sure Hawk, though I don’t think you are THAT old. And what does this have to do with the Raff’s leaving Long Grove?

KH: It’s no different than the way the umpires all disrespect our White Sox. We can never catch a break and…

CT: Moving on, we have a special guest to comment on REXIT. With us on the phone is the presumptive Republican Presidential Candidate Donald Trump.

Donald Trump (Don): Hey Chuck, what’s presumptive about me. I hate that word. I’ve got the nomination all sewn up no matter what crap the delegates try and throw at me. And who’s the chick with aal the hair on the panel with you? Doesn’t she know there is only room for one blonde crackpot here?

DT: Off with his head!

Don: She sounds like Lying Hilary to me! Yeah honey, you can dump those dragons, I’ll show you a hot time.

B: Love, people, just love.

CT: I’m afraid that’s all the time we have today. Join us again next week, and remember, if it’s Sunday, it’s “Meet the Press.”

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Our music contest has ended. The winner of the $25 Amazon Gift Card will be announced in our next post.

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Rap on the Tony’s

Watched some Tony’s last night
Found it real satisfyin’
Lots of winners in New York
High flyin’, laughing, cryin’.

Yeah James Corden was the man
Who this year was doing the hosting
Back in Twenty-Oh-Twelve
His own Tony he was toasting.

Broadway sound is really changing
I guess “Hamilton‘s” behind it
Catch the beat, sing it out
Catch the story, unwind it.

Color Purple got some love
It’s not a new story
Just get Oprah on the stage
And relive some old glory.

I liked a cool new bit
Broadway casts on the veranda
Singing other people’s shows
Got Lin-Manuel Miranda.

Then got to hear our fave
“One Day More” – Les Misérables
It got sung in Corden’s car
Heads were rockin’ like some bobbles.

Barbra Streisand closed the show
Many years since she’s on Broadway
Funny Girl in sixty four
To great things it was her hallway.

We’ll Shuffle Along
Say good-bye to all of thou now
Cause the show went overtime
But for me it’s ciao ciao now.

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Virtual Prizes for Virtual Contests-White Sox, WXRT and Donald Trump

Feelin’ Groovy!

59th St. Bridge Song

Simon and Garfunkle-1966

Remember Sarah Palin’s “Bridge to Nowhere”? It was a convoluted tale that garnered a lot of attention when the Alaska Governor was selected as John McCain’s running mate in the 2008 Presidential election. Since than Madame Palin has had the career to nowhere, but that is a story for another day. But do bridges to nowhere lead to “contests to nothing?” Two of my favorite local media outlets have gone that route.

Even though I grew up on the North Side (Rogers Park to be precise), I have spent my life a diehard White Sox fan. And like many White Sox fans, the past few years have been dreary, dreary, dreary. Whether the fault has been lackadaisical players, a too laid back manager, or too many Ken Harrelson “Hawkisms”, watching the beloved Pale Hose on the tube has been a type of torture specifically outlawed by the Geneva Convention. This year has been a breath of fresh air as new players Todd Frazier and Brett Lawrie have had a spring in their step, Robin Ventura has suddenly remembered to manage, and most importantly, there has been a new voice in the White Sox TV booth. Jason Benetti is now the Sox play-by-play man for home games. Paired with color announcer Steve Stone, Benetti has brought a lively new spirit to the broadcast. They have also brought a new contest, the aptly named “White Sox Math”. It’s a daily contest with problems such as “Multiply Jose Abreu’s uniform number by Jimmy Rollin’ s strikeouts in 2005 and then add Chris Sales career saves.” If you are a total stats geek or happen to have the Baseball Almanac handy, you will of course quickly arrive at the answer of 5621. And your prize for having all that information rattling around in your brain? A trip to the “Virtual Prize Shelf”. That’s virtually–nothing!

Not to be outdone, or perhaps underdone, my favorite radio station WXRT has a contest of its own. Every morning at about 6:40 Lin Brehmer and Mary Dixon host “Three for Free.” Tweet in the correct answer to their audio quiz about the celebrity of the day and you can win exactly…nothing!

Yet somehow there I am watching the White Sox with my calculator in hand, or intently listening to Lin and Mary’s musical clues. And since there is a winner every day, I suppose I am not the only one willing to put out all that effort for nothing. So I suggest a few more contests with prizes of questionable value:

Volkswagen will give a new diesel car to the first correct answer in their “Predict Our Next Estimated Mileage Report” challenge.
Elon Musk will present a hyperloop ride from Wrigley Field to the Cell to the winner of the “Who Can Predict How Long the Tesla Model 3 Will Be Delayed” contest.
The Department of Transportation will give a TSA job to the first person who–well, basically to anyone. No contest entry needed.
The Republican National Committee wants to award the Vice Presidential nomination to the first voter to provide Donald Trump with a foreign policy. Send the RNC your plan, single spaced, with a self addresses, stamped envelope and prepare to go to Cleveland.

And of course, just by reading this, you are entered into my contest to win–nada. Happy trails!

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photo credit: Footbridge via photopin (license)

Inspired by Budweiser, I Rechristen our New House

By now, everyone with a TV or Internet connection has heard about Budweiser’s new summer marketing plan. Instead of being labelled Budweiser, cans and bottles of brew will have the familiar Bud script replaced with “America”. The labels will also be festooned with patriotic slogans. “E Pluribus Unum” on the package instead of “Profits Sent to the European Multi-National Company We Really Are”. Not a bad sleight of hand! By the way, did you know that Clydesdale horses are Scottish?

Since we are intent on making America great again, and since “American” branding is a super idea for the 25th most valuable brand name in the world, I realized we could get some mileage branding our future home as well. From now on, instead of continuing to call our soon-to-be residence the “new house in the last vacant lot in that nice development by the Tristate”, I am dubbing it the Midwest White House. No, we haven’t switched the exterior stone to alabaster, I just want to make sure you know we are an American Brand.

And things are ramping up at the MWH. On Saturday morning, First Lady Barb and I had a lengthy onsite meeting with our architect, Alexander Hamilton, and General Contractor Thomas Jefferson. We climbed up the American Oak construction stairway to the loft, and in the bitter May cold finalized the design of what is now known as the Lincoln Bedroom. We shaved a closet here, expanded the attic there, and closed off a wall so that future generations of Americans won’t fall backward down the stairs. The space is now perfect, and can even be used for hosting foreign dignitaries. Or we may auction off the privilege to spend nights in there. That is a strategy that raised plenty of campaign cash for Bill and Hillary when they auctioned off nights in their Lincoln Bedroom.

Once the loft was settled, we returned to the main floor. The library, heretofore to be known as the Oval Office, still presents some challenges. We are not quite sure how to place two desks in such a way as to give us both a view of the TV for watching important press conferences. We are hoping our designer, Betsy Ross, will come up with an improved layout. If she does well, we may toss her an extra star to sew onto her flag. We have finally settled on a design for the Presidential Bedroom Suite, although Ham and Jeff are concerned that our plan deprives us of a view of the Rose Garden. It just proves that even when building a national treasure, some sacrifices must be made.

The basement still seems enormous to me. Tricky Dicky Nixon put a bowling alley in his White House basement, we will settle for an exercise room and wet bar in ours. I do have my eye on a nice American Eagle area rug that will keep the American brand going throughout the house though. I’ll run it up the flag pole and see if Barb salutes.

So that’s my plan. And to the Anheiser Busch-InBev Company of Leuven, Belgium, I salute you for the great Americans you are. And remember–this Bud’s for you!

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What’s in Your Wallet? There’s a Little Aluminum Foil Package In Mine.

You can’t always get what you want

but if you try sometime you find

you get what you need.

The Rolling Stones-1969

I don’t leave it to chance anymore. There is always one in my wallet, sealed in its aluminum pouch. It was Barb’s idea. “You’re out and about and wish you had one, and then you get irritated when you try to buy one and can’t get the type you like.” After almost forty years of marriage, I have learned to listen to my wife on matters of such importance.

It wasn’t always a necessity. I used to be able to get them with ease. Every store had one of my favorites. Barb could buy them for me anywhere. We could share one, or I could grab one even if Barb wasn’t around.

It is a lot tougher to find what I want now. Last month we were headed for what promised to be an interesting evening at the home of friends. From past experience, I knew our hosts wouldn’t have any and it would be prudent to bring my own. Maybe I was distracted when we left our house, but I forgot to grab one or two from my stash. Realizing my slip-up, we stopped at a convenience store and I searched the shelves. I found plenty of exotic varieties. But where were my favorites? I unearthed a pile of them in the back of the store, unwrapped, unappealing, and not for sale. But I convinced the clerk I absolutely had to have one, and we negotiated a price. We closed the deal and the night was saved…I had my Lipton Tea Bag.

Yes, when it comes to my tea, I am a demanding purist. Give it to me black, without bergamot or orange rind. Load it with caffeine and make the water hot enough for a full, rich brew. No fancy blend is needed. Plain old English Breakfast will do nicely. But the supermarkets are crowded with frou-frou flavors, and restaurants are even worse. When I ask for tea at the trendy neighborhood trattoria, the waitress will flip open the polished rosewood box and tell me they “have Herbal Raspberry Zapper and Decaffeinated Green and of course Chamomile with Rose Hips.” Or the snooty waiter at the four star joint will tell turn up his nose and say “we have first blush, the finest tea in the world,” for a mere $25.00 a cup. I beg for Lipton. And if my favorites cannot be found? I whip the aluminum pouch from my wallet, rip it open, and ask for a pot of boiling water. Let them charge me a corkage fee, I am brewing my own! I was never a Boy Scout, but now I know. When it comes to my favorite drink, just like everything else in life, it pays to be prepared.

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An Icon Abandoned, and It’s No April Fool Prank!

Oh this is the night…

…it’s a beautiful night.

Lady and the Tramp–1955

Who reads the “Legal Notices” in the back pages of their daily paper? Sandwiched between obituaries and want ads, the notices provide legally mandated information that is hidden away where no one will read it. As a Stevenson High School Board of Education member years ago I remember that’s where we stuck the notices notifying the public about bond sales. I’m sure the notices are the precursors and inspiration for all those annoying fast talking announcements at the end of television car ads. You know, the part where you learn what your “no money down” car is really going to cost you. But the other day in the lunch room I had finished scanning the obits without finding anyone I knew, and my eyes continued to the next column. And in the “Legal Notices” section I found this, and I shuddered:

ABANDONMENT OF TRADEMARK “NOODLE RONI”

The Golden Grain Company…has determined that the Noodle Roni trademark is no longer of use to the company…it will forever relinquish and abandon…all right, title and interest.

It is part of my childhood that is being abandoned! OK, I admit that my family never bought Noodle Roni. My mom was a Rice-a-Roni (The San Francisco Treat) chef. Rice, vermicelli (never knew what that was) and packaged flavoring. A great compliment to Kraft Macaroni and Cheese in the blue box — we ate a lot of starch in those days. Noodle Roni seemed like the little orphan step-child of the Golden Grain family. It never got quite the respect, and it really didn’t have as good of a jingle as big brother Rice-a-Roni. But how can you kick your baby sister out the door? Had the world really forgotten Noodle Roni Fettuccine Style?

Well, the truth is actually not quite that depressing. A little research revealed that Noodle Roni was renamed Pasta Roni many years ago. It comes boxed in a few different flavors, and single serving bowls — just zap and enjoy!– are out there too. I guess in this sophisticated, modern world, “pasta” is a far more impressive word than “noodle.” But Noodle Roni was etched into my youth and I will miss it. So if any of you have a case of Noodle Roni squirreled away in your 1950’s era bomb shelter, send me a box. I am sure it had enough to preservatives to survive, even if it’s name will not.

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Never Let a Doctor Plan Your Lunch!

You can get anything you want…

…at Alice’s Restaurant

Arlo Guthrie-1967

It seemed like an easy enough chore, planning for a laboratory meeting next week. We have a few things to discuss, including an upcoming accreditation inspection. Lunch time meetings tend to be the most convenient and are the norm, with the company usually ordering in the lunch. But I didn’t want the lunch room table cluttered with the large pizza boxes or or worse yet chaffing dishes, that would get in the way of the materials I was planning to distribute. Pre-ordered individual sandwiches seemed to be a good alternative. Along with a bag of chips, the sandwiches would be easy to pass out to each lab employee and still leave the table fairly free of clutter.

I had been hearing a lot of Jimmy John’s radio commercials recently, and I figured that any place that advertised Freaky Fast sandwiches should be a snap to set up and order from. I Googled their website and flipped over to it. What I wanted was a fax order form, something I could print out, stick on the lunch room table a few days in advance, and collect everyone’s order. Easy squeezy. Until I explored the web site. Couldn’t find the fax form that I had in mind. But there was a tab for “group ordering.” That’s what we were, right? A big group of hungry laboratorians.

First step, choose pick up or delivery. Fast delivery is what these guys are supposed to be known for, and besides, no one here has time to run out and do a pick up, so that was an easy choice. Entering our lab address for the delivery was a bit more frustrating. Enter the address, click next. Oops, getting an error message saying the nearest store is closed. Well, of course it is closed, it is 8:00 a.m. I didn’t want to talk to the store, just set up an online order on the system.

Finally, after 20 minutes of link pushing, I was able to have the lab address accepted and find the online order form. Let’s see how this works. Enter the date and time we want the delivery. Enter all my lab people’s email addresses so the site can send them an email with a link to our group order. I can include a little explanatory message. The employees can then follow the link and place an order. I can even limit the amount they can spend–we have some big eaters. I laboriously enter all the email address (can’t use the “quick option” because not all the emails are going to the same domain) and press “Send”. Error message pops up “You Must Choose Your Recipients.” OK, I put check marks in the boxes in front of everyone’s name and press “Send” again. Same error pop-up. Reclick same boxes and press “Send” for the third time. Success! Jubilation! Until I get three beeps from my Inbox. I check and see I have now received not one, not two, but three emails from Jimmy John’s inviting me to place my order. And oh yeah, the emails give me a 15 minute deadline for placing the order. Nice! Just right for confusing and/or panicking the employees.

Called the local Jimmy John’s–by now enough time had passed that they were open. Explained the situation, and got the expected “We don’t have anything to do with the website and don’t have any way for you to contact them.” But they were informed enough to let me know that unless everyone who had gotten an email responded, the order wouldn’t get placed. Great! One non-compliant employee and everyone starves, or at least misses lunch.

At this point I did two things right. First, I found the “Cancel Order” tab. Fortunately, that one worked. Second, I asked our lab office manager for some advice. She suggested Chipotle. They have a nice, easy to use, fax order form. And besides, we have a bacteriology lab. Worry about Salmonella? Not in our house!

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The Candidates Speak On Education

And I’m never going back…

…to my old school.

Steely Dan-1973

An article in this week’s Time Magazine reexamines the concept of starting high school classes later in the day, to better fit the circadian rhythms of teenagers. Scientific data supports the change, but most school districts find it impossible to make the change for financial or cultural reasons. As a past Board of Education President, I can understand the difficulties these school districts face, though I believe at Adlai Stevenson High School, where I spent my Board time, the push of the community would have been to start classes earlier and keep them going later…and I served BEFORE there was such a thing as a Tiger Mom.

As the political climate heats to a boiling point, Downsize-Maybe decided to interview our presidential candidates on the idea of later starting time for high school classes. A highly edited transcript follows:

DS: Senator Rubio, what are your thoughts on school start times?

Marco Rubio: Late starts could never work in Florida. We need our high school students to begin class early and finish by 2 pm so they can go to their restaurant jobs. Don’t forget, Early Bird dinners start at 3. We need our youngsters ready to serve! And except for Miami the whole state closes at 9 pm anyway, so the kids should be able to get plenty of sleep.

DS: Governor Christie, we know you are pulling out of the race, but before you leave what do you think? Should New Jersey push back school start times?

Chris Christie: I have already accomplished that. I just close down the expressways so the kids can’t get to school before 10 in the morning. They can get loads of shut eye on the bus.

DS: Governor Bush, should high school children start school later in the day? Governor Bush? GOVERNOR BUSH???

Jeb! Bush: Sorry, I was just dozing off there. And I think sleeping high school students is a problem. You know my sister-in-law Laura was a teacher. She is just one of the fabulous Bush family who strongly support my candidacy for President of the United States of America. Let’s seem, there is my father George, he was a President. And my brother George, HE was a President. And my mother Barbara, she SHOULD have been a President. Now what was your question again?

DS: Senator Sanders, what is your opinion on this important matter.

Bernie Sanders: I have thought about this very very very carefully. The kids all love me. I’ll give em all the schooling they need, and all for FREE. Let ’em wake up whenever they want as long as they vote for good old Uncle Bernie.

DS: Governor Kasich, what time should high school classes start?

John Kasich: Let’s just all be friends, can we?

DS: Senator Cruz, would you like to weigh in?

I categorically object to the idea that the current President has the right to appoint a new time for high schools to start class. Never in over 200 years of this country has a lame duck President changed school start times. I am not even sure he is the President.

DS: Senator Clinton, early or late school day start?

Hillary Clinton: When I was First Lady, I supported education. When I was a Senator I supported education. When I was Secretary of State I supported education. When I was a woman I supported education. NONE of my opponents have been all those things. And if you don’t believe me, just check my email server.

DS: And finally Mr. Trump, do you have any thoughts to add?

Donald Trump: I’ll tell you what I am going to do. My first day in office, I am gonna cancel school. Not just for one day, for ten days. We will have a party. It will be huuuuge. And then the whole world will know that America is great again! And oh, don’t forget to wake up Governor Bush.

DS: Thank you candidates. You have all been illuminating. I can’t wait to vote!

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In other news, good weather means we should be pouring more concrete soon. And American Airlines has stepped up to the plate with some vouchers. Life is good!

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