Tag: Seinfeld

Seinfeld: The Vaccine

Setting: Jerry’s Apartment
Jerry: Did you get it?
George: I got it.
Jerry: Where did you get it?
George: I got it in my arm, where do you think I got it!
Jerry: No–I mean where did you go to get it?
George: I went to the Clinic.
Jerry: Oh, the Clinic.
George: What’s wrong with going to the Clinic.
Jerry: Oh nothing, you know it’s just…
George: Just what?
Jerry: They treat things there.
George: I didn’t go to get TREATED. I went for the vaccine!
Jerry: Who gave you the shot? A nurse?
George: I don’t know, she was wearing a white coat. I think she was a nurse. I don’t know. I didn’t ask. You know how I feel about authority figures. Especially in white coats.
Jerry: Yeah, you melt and you fantasize.
George: No fantasies! No fantasies! I was thinking about my health.
Jerry: So did she give you the “pinch?”
George: The “pinch?”
Jerry: Yeah. They lift up the skin on your arm jab the needle in there.
George: Now that you mention it, yes I got the “pinch.”
Jerry: Hmmm
George: What’s hmmm?
Jerry: I read that the “pinch” makes it less effective.
George: Oh great, so I went to the Clinic, waited two hours, and now I’m still gonna get the virus? You kill me Jerry, you just kill me.
Jerry: It won’t be me, George.
Buzzer rings
Elaine’s voice comes over the intercom: Let me up, Jerry.
Jerry pushes the door buzzer button and Elaine bursts into the room and does a happy dance.
Jerry: Look at that, I think she’s infected.
Elaine: I got it, I got it.
George: Did they give you the “pinch?”
Elaine: Hell no–they give you that you die anyway.
George sinks his head into his hands, mumbles.
Elaine: They gave it to me in my car, and then I had to sit in my car for another 30 minutes to show I wouldn’t pass out.
Jerry: Wasted time?
Elaine: No–the tech who gave me the shot was sort of sexy so I…
Jerry: Oh you…
Elaine: It was a good half-hour.
Knock on the door.
Newman’s voice from outside the door: Hello, Jerry.
Jerry swings the door open: Hello, Newman.
Newman to Elaine: I saw you there. And I saw that smile on your face. I know what you were doing.
Elaine: And what else did you see.
Newman: Nothing.
Elaine: And that’s all you are going to see…ever.
Kramer explodes into the room, carrying a metallic contraption.
Kramer: Have you seen the lines? It’s taking them waaay too long. But I’m going to do something about it.
Jerry: And what is that, dare I ask?
Kramer: I made this auto-shooter. It takes my shooter half the time that it takes a nurse to give the vaccine.
George: Is it battery operated?
Kramer: No, you have to plug it in. Let me show you.
Kramer pulls out a power cord, plugs into a wall outlet, sparks crackle, and the room goes dark.
Camera pans out to the whole building, and then the whole city, all going dark.
George: Why did she have to give me the “pinch?”

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My TV Top Ten. What is Yours?

tv-showsBarb and I were almost home the other night when a familiar tune came on the car radio. “In my opinion, that’s the BEST TV SHOW EVER,” I said. And that got me thinking. What were my favorite TV shows of all time? So here, from #10 to #1 is my list. The only rule for selection is that there are no rules. It is my list, I get to say what goes on it. Feel free to disagree. I am sure you will!

#10-#7 My Early Years

10. The Dick Van Dyke Show: The classic work life-home life sitcom. Barb can still crack me up with an “Oh, Rob” or put me in my place with a “You’re no Albert Schweitzer.” I was young, Mary Tyler Moore was adorable, and Ritchie was getting attacked by birds. What was there not to like?

9. What’s My Line?: You thought Jeopardy! would be my favorite game show? Wrong again, reader. Another classic from my youth, no moderator was ever as smooth and urbane as John Charles Daley. And when the host has 3 names, I knew the celebrity panel had to be classy too, even if I had never heard of Bennett Cerf or Arlene Francis. And Dorothy Kilgallen was sort of hot to my 7-year-old eyes.

8. Saturday Night Blackhawks Hockey: Only a few Blackhawks games were televised in the ’60s. But every Saturday night during the season, I would knock on my next-door neighbor Jeff’s door at 6:30. We would play a game of table hockey (he had a great set with 3D plastic players and a ball-bearing puck) and then settle in to watch the Hawks play another “Original Six” opponent. The TV set was black and white, but there was no problem picking out the Golden Jet, as Bobby Hull, Stan Mikita, and Glenn Hall did their best to bring Chicago a winner.

7. Ray Raynor and Friends and The Dick Tracy Show: Ray Raynor, playing the jumpsuited host during the morning in the former and Officer Pettibone during the afternoon in the latter, had my full attention. White Sox (and Cubs) scores, Chelveston the Duck and some decent cartoons kept me entertained.

#6-#1 Adulthood

6. Breaking Bad: After starting to watch the family drama  Parenthood in its 4th season, Barb and I decided to go back and watch the earlier seasons–our first binge-watch. Our next binge-watch:  Breaking Bad, a very different family drama. Mr. White and Jessie had special chemistry together, and not just the crystal-meth kind. We did not watch El Camino, the recent sequel. Heard it wasn’t all that good!

5. Hill Street Blues: The greatest show of the ’80s, it was the cop show that stood above all other cop shows, before and after. FOMAE (fear of missing an episode) led us to buy our first VCR. VHS of course–we didn’t want no stinkin’ BetaMax.

4. Veep: Laugh out loud funny and bitingly mean and all-around magnificent. Julia Louis Dreyfuss and the whole ensemble cast made Washington D.C. seem as miserable as it truly must be. I loved it even before there was a real dramedy in the White House.

3. Game of Thrones: Maybe I would have ranked it higher before the final season, but come on, #3 isn’t all that bad. Love and hate. Red Weddings and Walks of Shame. And battles. Lots of battles. So why isn’t Arya Stark starring in a sequel?

2. Seinfeld: Yada, Yada, Yada. And Julia Louis Dreyfuss too.

1. The music I heard in the car that day was Alabama 3 talking and singing their way through “Woke Up This Morning.” I cannot hear that song without seeing James Gandolfini, cigar smoke swirling around his head, driving past the Meadowlands and Satriale’s Pork Store. Tony Soprano on the move, inviting us to New Jersey and The Sopranos, the greatest TV series ever made.

You agree with me on all of these, right?  If not, let me hear about it.

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