“If I had a hammer…

…I’d hammer in the morning.”

Pete Seeger and Lee Hayes-1949

Like a convict in a lonely prison cell we etch lines into the wall to indicate the number of days we have lived in the dark apartment. 30, 40, 50. Unlike the convict we do not know how long our sentence will be. The builders always said house should be completed “around the holiday”. But which one? Halloween? Not a ghost of a chance. Thanksgiving? Fitting, but unlikely. Christmas, Hannukah or New Years? How would we even find a mover during that busy time. So my bet is on January 13th. Why? According to Holiday Insights website, January 13th is Make Your Dream Come True Day. Sounds like a prophecy to me.

Where are we on construction at this point? All the hardwood floors are in (see above), and some of it has been stained. The floors have definitely earned Barb’s seal of approval. All the floor tiling has been delivered, and some has been installed. It is a long tedious project, and Barb has made good friends with the installer as he and Barb figure out exactly where to lay the tile rug in the master bath and determine which way the pattern goes in the upstairs shower. Rough plumbing and electric have long been complete, though various patches and corrections are necessary. Dimmer switches? Those don’t look like no stinkin’ dimmer switches to us! We long for the arrival of the staircases so we can do away with the rickety construction ones.

On the exterior, after what seems like months, the stucco is complete. The stone needs an acid wash, the gutters need to be hung. Rough grading should be done this week, followed by the initial phase of landscaping, the footpaths and the deck. Some of our plantings will surely have to wait until spring. On a positive note, with the major clean up of the property done last weekend, the second dumpster was filled and hauled away. The garage door should be in this week, and once the house can be locked up tight, the construction fence can come down. Progress is in the air.

So why the pessimism on making it in before the end of the year? The builder gives us this rough timeline. Three more weeks to finish the floors and get the cabinets in place, another three weeks for counter tops to be measured, manufactured and installed, followed by three weeks of final plumbing, electric and painting. That is if all goes according to the current plan. With all those holidays ahead, it is clear we will be putting lots more notches in the apartment wall. At least we are glad it is not a life sentence.

__________________

Remember still time to get in on our music trivia contest with a $25 Amazon Gift Certificate Prize. Here is a recap of the rules:

• For each state in the union, name one song whose lyrics mention either a state or a city in that state.
• If a song names more than one state, only one state in that song counts.
• Official state or city songs, sports team anthems and school/university fight songs do not count.
• One point for each state named. Maximum score is therefore 50 points!
• 3 Top Entrants will get a shout out in a future column.
• ALL entrants will be eligible for a $25 Amazon Gift Card. Winner will be chosen by random selection of all entrants.

To enter, send an email to les.raff@post.com with your responses. You will also be added to our mailing list for future blog posts. Entries will be accepted until Midnight October 30th

I have friends who will choke on that headline. They may stop talking to me, call me a traitor, tear up my holiday newsletter. But why should I miss the party?

It’s true that I have been a Sox fan since the hazy days of my childhood. My first visit to a ball park was the old Comiskey Park. But old Comiskey morphed into new Comiskey, followed by Cellular One, then into Guaranteed Rate and the Downward Red Arrow. Nothing lasts forever. Even Robin Ventura’s tenure as manager only seemed to stretch to infinity.

So what has attracted me to the Cubs this year? The easy answer is the obvious one. The team is a winner, something the South Siders have forgotten how to be. Joe Maddon has a personality and knows how to lead. The players are likeable and conversational, though management may have made an unnecessary misstep with one signing this summer. The team has the capability to bounce back from loses, as they showed in the National League Championship Series. They even have a pitcher named Lester.

Off the field, the radio and TV broadcast pairings are competent without being oppressive “homers.” (Yes Hawk, I am comparing them to you.) One thing I can do without is the hype for Wrigley Field. Yes, I know all the nostalgia the place stirs. But my memories of Wrigley are of a dilapidated, out-dated park, and I am not planning of spending a few thousand dollars for a ticket to “discover for myself” that things have changed.

Jumping baseball loyalties may have a genetic component as well. I was stunned back in the 90’s when young Michael announced he was converting from a Sox fan to a Cub fan. He was overwhelmed by the allure of a juiced up Sammy Sosa–apparently it wasn’t only chicks that dug the long ball. And now I see that there is nothing wrong with learning from our children.

I will never forget 2005. And there is no guarantee that this is a permanent defection. The White Sox may make some major deals this winter and revitalize the snoozing ball club. The Cubs may get sloppy from their own celebrity.  But while it is here, I am jumping on the bandwagon. When the circus comes to town, what are you going to do except go see the elephants? Oh right, never mind the elephants. But Go Cubs, Go!
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Remember still time to get in on our music trivia contest with a $25 Amazon Gift Certificate Prize. Here is a recap of the rules:

• For each state in the union, name one song whose lyrics mention either a state or a city in that state.
• If a song names more than one state, only one state in that song counts.
• Official state or city songs, sports team anthems and school/university fight songs do not count.
• One point for each state named. Maximum score is therefore 50 points!
• 3 Top Entrants will get a shout out in a future column.
• ALL entrants will be eligible for a $25 Amazon Gift Card. Winner will be chosen by random selection of all entrants.

To enter, send an email to les.raff@post.com with your responses. You will also be added to our mailing list for future blog posts. Entries will be accepted until Midnight October 30th.

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I am a laid back kind of guy. Oh, I will advocate for things I believe in like PSA testing, childhood vaccinations, Hillary Clinton, and a timely construction schedule, but my psyche prefers resolution to conflict. Had my career path taken me to the law rather than medicine, I am sure I would have been a arbitrator rather than an aggressive trial attorney. In politics, I would have been NAFTA not nukes. As Barb says, I don’t burn my bridges.

That all made events in 2005 tough. The hospital I had served in was closing most of its lab as it converted to a different type of institution. On a steamy, traffic snarled Friday afternoon I was summoned to the office of the President of the pathology group I had been a partner and Board member of for more than a decade. The purpose was to discuss my new role with the group, which served several hospitals in the Chicago area.  The very private meeting was short, and compactly summed up in the five words which the President issued. “Your role is no role.”

No, I didn’t shake the President’s hand on the way out. But I didn’t scream, yell or slam any doors either. We (and our respective attorneys) negotiated a settlement, and I moved on to establish the top-notch lab that I have directed for the last ten years. The President and I maintained occasional telephone contact and even discussed another job opportunity a few years later. Barb has always been amazed that I am willing to speak to him; I just haven’t been able to bring out a torch and start a fire.

But I got a phone call yesterday. Not from the old President, who has recently retired, but from his successor. She had a business question for me. I was about to answer, to give my usual assistance, when it all came flooding back. You see, this woman had been Vice-President of our group. She had been the one other person present in the room when the “verdict” came down in 2005. This woman, who had previously supported me and had once even encouraged me to seek  the President position in the group, sat in that office and said nothing.

With her phone call yesterday it became clear I needed to burn a bridge.  I didn’t lose my cool, but I did tell her what I thought of her inaction 10 years ago, how cowardly it was for her and the rest of the Board of Directors to allow me to be discharged. Her defense, that she had been young and naive, that the President manipulated the situation, was flimsy, but probably had a small morsel of truth. She told me she  eventually  came to understand that it was the most unjust decision she had made in her career. But that realization was never accompanied by a note or phone call of consideration or apology. And until yesterday, I never told her what I thought of her. Now I have, and it felt as good as saying “The Cubs are in the World Series.”

Remember still time to get in on our music trivia contest with a $25 Amazon Gift Certificate Prize. Here is a recap of the rules:

• For each state in the union, name one song whose lyrics mention either a state or a city in that state.
• If a song names more than one state, only one state in that song counts.
• Official state or city songs, sports team anthems and school/university fight songs do not count.
• One point for each state named. Maximum score is therefore 50 points!
• 3 Top Entrants will get a shout out in a future column.
• ALL entrants will be eligible for a $25 Amazon Gift Card. Winner will be chosen by random selection of all entrants.

To enter, send an email to les.raff@post.com with your responses. You will also be added to our mailing list for future blog posts. Entries will be accepted until Midnight October 30th.

photo credit: davidyuweb <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/55514420@N00/26132776395″>Burning Sky</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a&gt; <a href=”https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/”>(license)</a&gt;

Yes, Hillary accused Donald Trump of cheating on his taxes. And how did he respond? As everyone knows, he called her a “nasty woman.” For the sake of argument, let’s say her remark earned her a one star  (★) evil rating. How does she stack up against some other famous nasty women in history?

• Eve ★ ★ ★ :  Here was a gal who knew how to get her man in trouble. If she hadn’t gone after that apple, none of us would be paying income tax.
• Bonnie Parker ★ ★ : Yeah, she robbed banks, killed people, and wrote awful poetry. But Faye Dunaway was just so damn alluring.
• Norman Bates’ Mother ★ ★ ★ : Now this was a mean one. Even dead and mummified she got poor old Tony Perkins to off Janet Lee. But that was a great shower scene.
• Marie Antoinette ★ ★ ★ : No, she didn’t cause the French Revolution by herself. Did she really say “let them eat cake”? In any case, it’s a great line.
• Hansel and Gretel’s Witch ★ ★ ★ ★ : A true nasty. Kidnap kids, fatten up kids, eat kids. It wasn’t until Hannibal Lecter came around that we had a comparable male maniac.
• Cathy Ames ★ ★ ★ : John Steinbeck’s “East of Eden” is one of my all-time favorite reads, and Cathy is my favorite character. A prostitute without a heart of gold, she killed her parents and slept with her brother-in-law on her wedding night. But at least she didn’t eat her children.
• Polk Salad Annie’s Mama★ ★ : A wretched spiteful, straight-razor totin’ women. And I hear Annie was no sweetheart herself!
• Queen Isabella ★ ★ ★ ★ :  Whether you hate her for sending Columbus to the New World and blowing the ecosystem, or her role in the villainous Spanish Inquisition, there is not much for redemption.
• Gemma Teller Morrow ★ ★ ★ : The Mama Bear of “Sons of Anarchy, ” she almost killed her first daughter-in-law, and succeeded in killing her second one. And I had always thought that is was daughters-in-laws that wanted to kill their mothers-in-law.
• Elizabeth Holmes ★ ★ : Yes, I know, I should stop picking on the Temptress of Theranos. But her whole deal just gets me so pissed off…

So Hillary, you barely nudge the nasty meter. So keep on smiling that smile and do what you’ve got to do. Only one person on the ballot is truly evil.

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Remember still time to get in on our music trivia contest with a $25 Amazon Gift Certificate Prize. Here is a recap of the rules:

• For each state in the union, name one song whose lyrics mention either a state or a city in that state.
• If a song names more than one state, only one state in that song counts.
• Official state or city songs, sports team anthems and school/university fight songs do not count.
• One point for each state named. Maximum score is therefore 50 points!
• 3 Top Entrants will get a shout out in a future column.
• ALL entrants will be eligible for a $25 Amazon Gift Card. Winner will be chosen by random selection of all entrants.

To enter, send an email to les.raff@post.com with your responses. You will also be added to our mailing list for future blog posts. Entries will be accepted until Midnight October 30th.

Well you burst on the scene
Already a legend
The unwashed phenomenon
The original vagabond

Joan Baez-Diamonds and Rust

The Nobel Prizes don’t get much respect. Oh, I suppose research scientists think a lot of them, and major universities like to brag how many laureates they have on their faculty (this years score-Northwestern 1,University of Chicago 0), but otherwise, you just don’t read much about the Nobels in People or on TMZ. OK, there is a Nobel page on Facebook, but I just looked at it…pretty dry stuff.

Bob Dylan winning the Nobel Prize for Literature certainly gave the award more than a little buzz, with positive and negative responses from around the globe. Apparently Dylan himself is so much in shock he hasn’t yet responded to the Nobel Committee or in any way acknowledge the award. In shock, or totally indifferent. The $900,000 cash award is nice, but I doubt he needs it to change his lifestyle.

Like all boomers, I grew up with Dylan in my head. Peter, Paul and Mary’s cover version of Blowin’ in the Wind was probably the first song of his I was aware of, followed by the Byrd’s cover of Mr. Tambourine Man. I was there for Like a Rolling Stone and lots of other hits in the 60’s, Hurricane and Tangled Up in Blue in the 70’s,  but then I guess I lost track of Mr. Dylan. Rumors of religious conversions, country music–he was still recording, I just wasn’t listening. I did read “Positively 4th Street”, a less than fawning history of Dylan, Joan and Mimi Baez, and their Greenwich Village crowd. He did not come off as the nicest person in the room.

No point in quoting a lot of Dylan lyrics here. You can find them anywhere on the web. There is one line I do try to remember when writing. It is from Don’t Think Twice It’s Alright. At the end of this great break-up song he writes “You just kinda wasted my precious time.” Something I hope my blog readers never feel!

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My headline promised a prize, so here goes. With Dylan on my mind I present our second Tuesday Morning Music Trivia Quiz. Dylan wrote some good traveling music so for this contest:

• For each state in the union, name one song whose lyrics mention either a state or a city in that state. For example, Dylan‘s song Highway 61 Revisited mentions Georgia, so would count for that state.
• Songs DO NOT have to be Dylan songs.
• If a song names more than one state, only one state in that song counts.
• Official state or city songs, sports team anthems and school/university fight songs do not count.
• One point for each state named. Maximum score is therefore 50 points!
• 3 Top Entrants will get a shout out in a future column.
• ALL entrants will be eligible for a $25 Amazon Gift Card. Winner will be chosen by random selection of all entrants.

To enter, send an email to les.raff@post.com with your responses. You will also be added to our mailing list for future blog posts. Entries will be accepted until Midnight October 30th.

The news is saturated with Clinton, Trump and the election. Since I decided long ago that I was firmly in the Democratic camp, and since I can barely stomach the vitriol being unleashed, I decided to report on a few non-political things I have come across in the last few days:

• Cheese to Please: We have 3 generations of  cheese lovers in the family, as well as a cheese craving dog. My choice on a sandwich is Jarlsberg, but I always feel just a little guilty at the grocery when I tell the clerk, “I want the real stuff, not the low fat variety that tastes like plastic.” Wouldn’t low-fat be better for me? Now there is “scientific evidence” that there is no health benefit to switching out real cheese for the low fat variety. Big dog Max will be especially pleased.
• Rolling Down the River: More family secrets. Some members of our family can roll their tongues, some of us cannot ( I am a non-roller). We took a survey and determined that this must be an inherited autosomal dominant trait. Further research reveals that this is a myth–tongue rolling can be learned. It is not a simple genetic inheritance pattern.
• The Story Never Ends: No matter how much I write about Theranos, I can’t keep up with the crash landing. No sooner did I write about the lab closing, than we learn that a large hedge fund that invested heavily in Theranos and its “new” technology is suing the company for “knowingly and repeatedly lying” while raising funds. Glad to say Elizabeth Holmes, Theranos CEO, was neither a pathologist nor any other type of physician. A business savvy friend of mine swears criminal charges are soon to follow. Holmes may be soon looking at jump suit orange instead of turtleneck black.
• Through the Looking Glass: I don’t have an on-line link for this one, but in its print edition, the Wall Street Journal blamed tighter government regulation of banks for the Wells Fargo scandal. Sort of like Donald Trump blaming Hillary Clinton for his not paying taxes. Oops, couldn’t totally avoid writing about the election.
• Mean Mr. Mustard: TMZ (ok, not necessarily the most reliable source) posted a video of Alex Trebek “teasingly” calling a contestant on Jeopardy! a loser. As a former contestant on the show I can attest that Mr. Trebek has a higher opinion of himself than he does of many contestants.  During my taping he had another competitor close to tears over his weight. Fat shaming was no more pleasant in 1989 than it is now.

One other bit of news of note. Our blog about the challenges of replacing headphone cushions when dealing with a Swedish company was named one of ChicagoNow’s top three blogs for September. If you missed it, you can find it here. And don’t forget to treat yourself so some full fat macaroni and cheese!

You never know what you will find here. To subscribe, type your email address in the box and click the “create subscription” button. It is completely spam free, and you can opt out at any time.

On Sunday, a stern talking woman gave some instruction to an obviously bewildered man. No, we are not talking about the Presidential Debate here. This particular exchange took place on Sunday afternoon, hours before the Clinton-Trump showdown, at a Lord & Taylor store in suburban Chicago.

A little background while I set the scene. When Barb and I moved from the old house into our temporary apartment, all of our furniture and most of our other possessions went into long term storage with our moving company. We kept just enough clothing to get us through the transition until the new house was completed. Among the clothes I planned to take with to the apartment was a box clearly labeled “Les’s Sweaters-Take to Apartment.” Unfortunately, during the very hectic day in August on which we moved out of the house, the moving company must have grabbed that box and added it to one of the crates bound for storage. So as the Bears lose and the temperature has started to drop, I find myself sweater-less and chilly.

I told Barb I had to go shopping for a sweater or two to tide me over–shopping being something I enjoy just a bit more than a trip to the dentist. She mentioned having a 20% off on everything coupon at Lord & Taylor, so after our mandatory daily visit to the construction site, we drove to Northbrook Court. We made it past the baby clothes (sorry grandkids, nothing new for you today) to the Men’s Shop, and selected a couple of sweaters that would go with most of my wardrobe. We found a salesperson and headed to the register. Barb gave me the coupon and I looked at it for the first time. Here it is:

Can you read the fine print? That’s over 100 brands excluded, including all regular priced Men’s Wear!  I defy anyone to find two articles of clothing they could  purchase using that coupon. A costly full price purchase was looming, making less expensive Macy’s seem more desirable. The saleswoman noticed my hesitation in completing the purchase and pulled out her Super Secret Bonus 20% Off Coupon. We sealed the deal and I was no longer sweater deprived.

I don’t get it. Why is buying a sweater at a department store as complicated as negotiating a deal on a new car? I remember a few years ago when Ron Johnson became the CEO at J.C. Penney. He promised to offer everyday low prices and do away with all this sales/coupons nonsense. I cheered, but I was cheering alone. Retail sales at Penney’s dropped 30%, JCP stock declined by 51% and Mr. Johnson was rapidly fired.

I guess most of us love our coupons and our sales that aren’t really sales. Maybe I am the only one that hates it. But I’m. If you too think this is nuts, leave a comment, or send me an email at les.raff@post.com. I’d like to think I am not the lone voice in the crowd!
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You never know what you will find here. To subscribe, type your email address in the box and click the “create subscription” button. It is completely spam free, and you can opt out at any time.

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When my friends back in medical school were choosing their specialties, there were the glamour fields to make a mark in. Cardiac surgery was a winner, orthopedics appealed to both the big bruisers and the little Napoleons, and neurology had the imprimatur of being for the intellectuals.

But pathology and laboratory medicine? That was for the true nerds and geeks. And believe me, you had to be really low to be considered a nerd by other medical students, few of whom had Head Cheerleader or Captain of the Football Team on their resumes. But I did my thing and watched while my colleagues in other specialties got their accolades. Who knew that lab testing would be a big deal in two news stories in one week?

Both stories are ones you may have been following along with me. First, early this week, Ben Stiller revealed that he had been treated for prostate cancer and that PSA (prostate specific antigen) testing had saved his life.

Now, I have discussed several times the controversy about PSA screening and how, based on my professional findings, I strongly believe in testing. Stiller’s story is anecdotal, it doesn’t prove anything in the debate, but a little good publicity doesn’t hurt. After all, if we have to hear about junk science from other celebrities, it is good to hear something from an actor (Zoolander doesn’t count) that doesn’t make me cringe. If you (or your spouse, partner, friend) is of an appropriate age, get your PSA test and remember:

• An increased PSA should be investigated, but it doesn’t mean you have prostate cancer. There could be benign causes for the increase. Listen to your doctors recommendations for evaluation.
• Even if prostate cancer is diagnosed, it does not mean radical treatment is necessary. Always discuss with your physician what your many options are.

As much as lab testing has its important role, it has its black eyes too. The Theranos saga is one of those. We have discussed on more than one occasion the dramatic rise and fall of the company and its Jobsian (Steve, not biblical) leader Elizabeth Holmes. The company claimed to be performing laboratory testing on minute amounts of blood drawn from a fingertip, but there were doubts about the validity of the company’s results.

After a series of investigations, inspections, and lost business partners, Ms Holmes announced yesterday that the company will be closing its labs, refrain from patient testing, and “will return our undivided attention to our miniLab platform.” I suppose at this point Holmes does feel more like the Old Testament Job than Apple’s Steve. I wonder if we will ever hear from Theranos again or if more like Jonah, it has disappeared inside a whale.

As for me, my lab just got re-accredited, our new house is coming along (more on that soon), and life is good. You don’t have to be a heart or bone surgeon to get it right!

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Why do we never get an answer.

When we’re knocking at the door.

Moody Blues–1970

Jeopardy, It’s Academic, Three for Free. Yes, questions and answers (or is it answers and questions?) are in my blood, and unlike most medicine, even cross my blood-brain barrier. So I was intrigued when my buddy Roger asked me if I wanted to join his team for an evening of pub trivia challenge. “It’s at a dive bar,” he warned, “but you will have a good time.”

Now Roger and I don’t always agree on what a good time is, but since the invitation coincided with a “bye” night in my Thursday tennis league, I decided to give it a try. After a tough day in the lab, I fought the construction traffic on I-90, navigated a few detours and wrong turns, and made it out to East Dundee, not far from that old family favorite, Santa’s Village. Meeting up with Roger for a bar burger and a brew, he gave me the low down on what to expect. The rules, the rituals, and the characters. But even forewarned, I wasn’t quite prepared.

Wandering among the tables was the Adjudicator. Sporting a monogrammed judicial robe, long silver blond hair and a well lined face, this was the master of ceremonies, giver of clues, and hurler of barbs and insults. He is also the Keeper of the Names. Every regular player eventually earns a nickname. There is Irish Mike, Ms Jeopardy, Family Doc, Thirteen, my teammates Driller and Two-Wheels, and twenty or so more players whose names I could not keep track off. As a newbie I was not officially entitled to a name, but after I earned the Adjudicator’s respect with a well timed Alex Trebeck jab, I soon progressed from “PathDoc” to “Dr. No-Name”, to a mutually satisfying “Dr. NO”.

At 7:45 my $7 entry fee was collected, the Adjudicator mumbled a few comments and before I realized it, the contest had begun. Some questions were barked, some were whispered, all were accompanied by a never ending flow of shtick and banter. The crowd knew what to expect and how to respond, screaming out “Nine” in unison for the ninth question of each round, chanting “cities” when that word was mentioned. No Bingo caller ever had a more appreciative audience.

We played six or seven rounds of 10 questions each, some rounds centering around a specific topic (Gene Wilder movies, the Cubs), others more random. There was a “sounds” round which teammate Roger aced, and a picture round of nine public figures, each flashing their middle finger at someone. The 10th picture in this round was the appropriately named Dita Von Teese, whose curves apparently make an appearance at each night of trivia. I admit to costing my team a point during the picture round, convincing my teammates that the lady rocker in picture 8 was Linda Ronstadt, while the correct answer was Grace Slick. How could I have thought sweet Linda would be giving anyone the bird?

Despite my Ronstadt-Slick blunder, at the end of the evening the Official Scorer declared our team the champion with 69 points.  Each member of the foursome raked in a cool $24. Barely enough to cover dinner and the entrance fee, but as Roger predicted, I did have fun.  And $24  easily surpasses my lifetime tennis earnings…

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Just like Apple, I think cords suck. Long before the Lords of Cupertino decided to remove the headphone jack from the newest iPhone,  I determined that the best way not to tangle with cords when I run was with Bluetooth headphones. Being a diligent market researcher I polled the Web for rankings of various wireless headphones for runners. The rankings led me to the Swedish company Urbanears and their Hellas model. Easy enough to order online, and within a week or so my shiny blue ‘phones had arrived, were synced up with the iPhone and I was able to run cord-free. Heaven!

A few months later I noticed that one of the ear cushions for the Hellas was missing. Since we were busy packing up  before the interim move, the house looked like a tornado had hit, and I could not find the ear cushion in all the debris. I’ve lost or worn out ear cushions with previous headphones, and can usually replace them with a quick order for new cushions on Amazon Prime.  Total cost, about $5. But with Urbanears, I couldn’t find the right cushion on Amazon, so I emailed the manufacturer directly. Following is the slightly edited transcript of the subsequent multiple email communications.

Me: Dear Urbanears: I have lost one of the ear cushion from my recently purchased headphones and would like to buy a replacement. Can you tell me how to do order a set?

Urbanears: Dear Sir: We regret to inform you we do not sell the ear cushions individually. However, you may be eligible for a warranty replacement of the headphones. Please send us documentation of your purchase.

Me: Dear Urbanears: Attached please find a copy of my purchase order. I really just want a new cushion.

Urbanears: Dear sir: We are pleased to inform you that based on your purchase order you are eligible for a warranty replacement of your headphones. Please send us a picture of your headphones demonstrating the problem.

Me: Dear Urbanears: Please see the attached picture of my headphones. The red arrow points out the fact that I really did lose a cushion. Wouldn’t it be easier just to send me a couple of new ones?

Urbanears: Dear Sir: Thank you for the photograph. We agree that you are missing a cushion. We are pleased to tell you that you have met all our requirements and sent us all the evidence to enable us to send you replacement headphones. In order to expedite this please do the following. Grasp your headphones, bend at the right hinge and snap off the entire earpiece. Then please cut all wires leading to the earpiece and cut them. Send us a photograph that also includes the date of destruction.

Me: Dear Urbanears: Attached is the photo you requested (see above.) It broke my heart to assassinate a perfectly good set of headphones when all I really needed was a cushion, but I guess you have your Swedish socialist business model instead of our capitalist one. Long live the EU!

Urbanears: Dear Sir: Thank you for the photograph. Your new headphones are on their way to you. It is a pleasure doing business with you and we hope to keep you as a valued customer.

Two days later I received the new headphones. My only problem now is getting the iPhone Bluetooth to sync with them. And oh yeah, I found the missing cushion in my gym bag…

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You never know what you will find here. To subscribe, type your email address in the box and click the “create subscription” button. It is completely spam free, and you can opt out at any time.